Friday, October 21, 2016

my tommy dog

He waited.
On the floor by my bed, for my alarms to announce sleeping time was done, he waited.

He waited.
By the back door, for me, dripping in my towel, to feed him breakfast and let him out, he waited.

He waited.
Outside the the bedroom door, for the very scary blow dryer to be silenced, he waited.

He waited.
On the couch, in my favorite spot, while I gathered my things and told him about everything that was going to happen today,  and everything I wanted to happen, and everything that would never happen, he waited.

He waited.
When he heard my car, next to the door, knowing he can't stand behind the door while I try to open it, he waited.

He waited.  While I dropped my stuff and opened the back door, tail slowly wagging, he waited.

He waited.  While I told him what happened,  and what didn't happen, and what will never happen, he waited.

He waited.  While I talked to him from my room, changing out of work and into comfy, he waited.

He watched.  Tail wagging again, while I nuked some some food for me, scooped some food for him, and talked some more, he watched.

And then.
Then he was done.
Then he was done waiting.

He rolled on the floor. 
He tossed his toy.
He chased his tail.

Until I was smiling.
Until I gave in.
Until I slid to the floor, back against the wall.
Until nose to nose we sat.
Until sliding down next to me,  he curled as close as can be without squishing me, one big paw across my legs. 
Until I stopped.
Until I stopped reviewing all the stupid little things no one but me remembers.
Until I realized it doesn't matter.
Until I was okay.

Then he moved his paw and let me up.  Then we ate dinner curled on the couch, while watching reruns of Friends.

And once I was settled, cozy and full.
He snuffled, he yawned, he stretched.
He slid off the couch and did doggie rounds, checking on the house. 
Doing doggie things,  chewing doggie toys,  eating doggie dinner. 

Always where he can see.
Always where he can watch.

Soon,  it will be bedtime.
He will wait. 
He will watch.
He will insistantly stare.

Until I finally give up and get ready to sleep.

I will lock the doors
and check the doors
and check the doors again. 

I will turn off the lights
and check the lights
and check the lights again.

He will wait.
He will watch. 
Until I'm cozy in bed.
Until the pillows are perfect and quilts snuggled up.

He will wait for an invite to come up.
When no invitation is offered, he will sigh, turn twice and settle on the floor, as close as can be.

I will settle.
I will sleep.

He will patrol our kingdom throughout the night.
He will end each round with a sigh and a flop, so close that the bed frame shakes.

He will wait for my alarms to announce sleeping time is over.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

stop pretending

Maybe I'm impatient.
Wait, no.

I know I'm impatient.
I'm impatient and I dislike wasting time.

I have a finite amount of time here on this earth. 
Do I know how finite?  nope.
I don't like wasting my time on something that won't make me happy.

I don't see the point of pretending to be something I'm not.  Ever.

Job hunting.  I go into interviews intent on being the very best version of myself.  I'm going to do my darnedest to show the interviewer that I'd be great in the job.  It's up to the interviewer to decide who,  out of all the candidates, they think is best suited for the position. And that's okay by me.  I trust that they know more about the job than I do.  I trust that they'll pick who they think is best person. If I don't trust them to do what's best for the company,  do I really want to work for them? If I pretend to be something I'm not, and I get the job?  I'm stuck pretending for as long as I'm there. Most likely, I'm not going to enjoy it.  

People hunting. Same. I'm gonna be all kristin, all honest and blunt and awkward. Enjoy it. or not.  But I'm not pretending. I don't sport.  I'm not going to pretend to enjoy them just 'cause you're cute af. If sporting is that important to you,  I don't wanna waste my time falling for you, only to have you walk out later. That just sounds like a recipe for broken hearts and I have mine nicely stitched back together, thank you very much.  

So, stop.

Stop with all the oh-my-gawd-my-life-is-over-I-don't-have-a-person.
Stop with all the no-one-will-ever-love-me.
Stop with all the I-can't-believe-I-didn't-get-the-job.

Stop teaching our children that we can only be happy when someone else loves us.
Stop teaching them that the path to happiness cannot be traversed alone.
Stop teaching them that they have to pretend to be something they're not.

Teach them that their wants and desires are just as valid as everyone else's.
Teach them to stand on their own. 
And teach them that's okay.
Because it is.  


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

ten things september taught me

Goodbye September.  Hello October.

For a week now I've been trying to write a "what September taught me" post.  Thus far I've written four.  they all sucked. So, instead, a list. 

  - "There's how you break up with someone, and then the rest of the world"  My eldest, upon asking for advice on ending a relationship without hurting anyone.  MY ELDEST ASKED ME FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

 - "What do you do for fun?"  - Oh, hell.  Least favorite question ever. I don't know.  Well, now I do, but I didn't.  I gave up doing me things in order to take care of family things. It took me a while to figure out what I do that is fun.  So, I fix my house.  I garden.  I watch old sitcoms. I cuddle with my dog. Sometimes, I sew.  All these things are fun.

 - Appearance matters.  If you look around at where you want to be and see NO ONE with pink hair, glitter, or visible tattoos, you have to work twice as hard to present the look and attitude expected of where you want to be.  and it will most likely take twice as long to get to where you want to be.  But I'll be damned if I give up pink hair, glitter, and tattoos.

 - I don't miss being "with" somebody.  I miss having someone to text all the stupid little funnies that happen everyday.

  - I want adventures. I want laughter.  I want hikes with dogs and stars and coffee and painting.  I want someone to lead and someone who will follow.  I want cozy nights at home. I want someone who isn't impressed that I drink whiskey. I want forehead kisses and a clean kitchen.  Mostly, I want laughter. and adventure. Someone to remind me there's life outside my bubble.

 - New wifi password everyday = amazing increase amount of chores done willingly.

 - Single Kristin = increased whiskey consumption.

 - Tommy and I both need to get out more.  So. baby steps.  longer walks. everyday.

 - Sleep matters.  A regular sleep schedule makes every day a bit better.

 - Guys that blush.  yeah. I like those.