Thursday, August 20, 2015

I had a week

Last month, I had a week.

Two of my six said goodbye in the same week. 
What a week.
I think it was the same week I bought Little Car.

big week
...long week.
.......just realized I spent time with four of my six in the same week. 
pretty impressive given that they are usually so scattered.

anyway, I digress. 
where was I?

oh. right.

Two of my six said goodbye in the same week.
don’t know when I’m going to see either of them again.

Both carved time out of their crazy schedules for me.

I expected one to be harder than the other.
....I was right.

One was harder than the other.

but the one I thought would be hard wasn’t, 
and the one that wasn’t supposed to be, was.

Life is funny that way.

Both times, the drinks were drunk,
the smiles and laughter shared,
the goodbyes said.

Both times,
I drove away remembering all the little ways they helped rebuild my shattered self-confidence,
hoping they knew how much they had done.

I am so very glad they made time for me.
I do wish we had had more time.
I so want more time.

Eventually, I usually get what I want.
just hope I don't have to wait another fifteen years.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

my side of a conversation

Hey. Babe.

Just a reminder.
This is all you get.

This see-me-once-an-week-or-so.
This is it.

This not-one-of-the-most-important-things-in-my-life.
This is it.

We are never going to be more.

It's not that I don't want more, it's that I don't have more. What I give is all I'm capable of giving.

This. Is. All. I. Have.

I enjoy the time we spend together.
I look forward it, very much so.

But what give is all I've got to give.
All I'm capable of giving.

I will never depend on a someone again. Ever.

I will never marry again.
I will not.

I will never ask someone to promise to be mine forever.
Any someone.

Are we 'destined to fail?'

Yes. Absolutely. Except I don't see it as failing, because this was never meant to be forever.

From day one I've made that perfectly clear.

I realize now that I shouldn't have used that thing I wanted so very much to do as an out, but I did.

For that I am sorry.

Then the thing didn't pan out. So suddenly there wasn't any "reason" to be done. No easy out. No deadline.

I thought about calling it.
Being done, because it's best for you.

I knew you were hoping I'd change my mind. I also knew that wasn't going to happen.

Any time I thought about doing "what's best for you" I'd realize that it drives me batty when someone else decides what's best for me.

No one knows you better than you. You should be able to make that call for yourself.

So, I continued to be open and honest. I continued to remind you that this was it.

And this time it stuck,
this time you believe me.
Maybe it was the circumstances,
maybe I used different words.

Maybe it was that I was so vehement about it. So absolutely certain.

I'm glad you finally heard me.
I'm glad you finally listened.
I'm glad you finally believe me.

If that means you're ready to be done, I will understand.

I will be sad,
but I won't be surprised.