For the last two years, I've been constantly defending my choices. Constantly explaining why I made that choice. Any choice. Every choice.
So, I'm done.
This is what I want.
I want my littles to be prepared for whatever life is going to throw at them.
I want them to be happy.
and I want to be happy.
Every choice I make, I make with those goals in mind. In that order. Those goals are always on my mind. Always. I am not capable of making choices without thinking about the effects on those goals. I am not capable of making choices that lead away from those goals.
I CANNOT do it. I spend days, weeks, months examining every option and how it affects me and mine. I am not capable of making a poor choice. I can't. I've been on the verge of making choices that were...very, very poor choices, but would've been so very, very gratifying. I couldn’t do it, every time. I cannot knowingly hurt those I care about.
I don’t care if you agree with those choices.
I don’t care if you understand those choices.
and I certainly don’t care what choices you would make for me.
I am not you. I am me, and I am not impulsive. If a choice feels rushed, it is because I don’t share, not because I am jumping without looking. No one is going to push me into making a decision before I'm ready. No one. I can be stubborn. I will do things when I decide to. When I decide to.
One more thing:
I'm not settling. I'm not picking "good enough." I don’t want a forever. This isn't just something I am telling myself. This is a truth I feel so deeply I cannot express it.
I have exactly what I want.
I don’t want more.
I’m happy as things are.
If I weren't happy, it wouldn't be worth my time and energy. Between the littles, the animals, the house and the full time job, there isn't a whole lot of time or energy left at the end of the day. I wouldn't waste it on something that I didn't enjoy. I like talking about him. I'll happily tell you about him.
But I’m done defending our friendship.
I'm done explaining it.
My littles understand it.
No one else needs to.