Thursday, August 3, 2017

choices and priorities

Everything can be broken down to choices.

Some choices have little impact on the greater scheme of things.
some choices change everything.
Basic.  Simple. Not easy.
Rarely is anything straightforward or easy.
Choices cause changes.
Choices cause hurt.
Choices can heal.

So. How do you make choices?

Life, sorted into a tangled list of importance.
Constantly changing. complex. messy.

I'm awesome at priorities. I got mine all in order.
I know.
For now, I got this.
For now.

So, i do the things i don't want to.


I do the hard things.
the unpleasant things.
the grown up things.
the scary things.


But. Also.

I live.
I listen.
I love.
I try.


Monday, June 12, 2017

llamas with hats, archer, and charlie the unicorn

My dear friend, Mr Jameson, convinced me that it was a good idea to have an honest conversation with an old friend.   The last time whiskey convinced me to say a few things to an old friend it was one of my better decisions.  So,  hey, if it worked once....

The conversation was both harder and easier. We're very different people. I'm too much and he's intense. But all the cards were on the table.
Lots of talking.  Lots of whiskey.
Oh, so much....talking.

When we ran out of words we realized we had found a beginning.

I really didn't know what to expect.


I didn't expect a someone who actively, consciously continues to choose me.

I didn't expect a someone who comes over after midnight just to hug me because my day defeated me.

I didn't expect a someone to laugh with my not-so-littles and play board games and watch the movies they couldn't believe he hadn't seen.

I didn't expect a someone who enjoys me so completely, glitter, quirks, and all the kristin-ness.

I didn't expect a someone who kept me company at 2 am while I stood barefoot in the kitchen sink, painting the wall, and singing along with the music.

I didn't expect a someone who thanked me for showing him that painting barefoot at 2 am is sometimes the very rightest thing to do.

I didn't expect to fall quite so completely for an intense, singing, burping someone.

And I certainly didn't expect Llamas with Hats, Archer, and Charlie the Unicorn.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

the list

3 years ago I wrote a post that ended in a list.  It was a very different time, i was in a different place.
As different as I was,  the list was timeless. It always had been, and always will be, a list of little important things.

A list of little things I want.
A list of little things that I know I need.

Every so often I pull it out.
Remind myself of the important things, you know?

Shall we take a look?

I want smiles and laughter.
- Yep. Check.

I want someone who doesn't mind messes.
- Doesn't mind my messes at all. Even helps me clean them up.

I want him to smile and pull me close when I put my cold feet on his.
- Even in his sleep.

I want him take one look at me and know how I’m doing. Instantly. And try to make it better, even just a little bit.
- He's figuring it out, what makes it better.

I want to admire him.  I want to tell him, “I hope my son grows up to be like you”
- he's a good guy.  A really good guy.

I want him to make my heart sing.
- every time.

I want him to sing to me and tell me stories. I miss stories.
- lots of singing. lots. and he's not a tenor.

I want him to know he adds to the happiness in my heart, but is not my only happiness.
- he knows.

I want him to understand my hurts, accept them and help heal them.
- he does.

I want him to be my friend first.
- we were friends 20+ years ago. And we are again.

I want him to understand how important family is to me and to feel the same way.
- he understands.

I want one day to realize that this guy, this great friend, means more to me than I thought.
- it didn't happen in one day. Or all at once. But it happened. Continues to happen.

And I want him to feel the same way.
I want it to hit him like a ton of bricks.
And have the courage to tell me.
- it was a good day, the tell-me day.

a very good day.