Tuesday, October 17, 2017


Somewhere along the way I lost my muchness. I’m not sure when or where it happened.  Sometime in the last year, for sure. I forgot that muchness is important.

I forgot.

I forgot that my pay-the-bills job was never intended to be a career.  I never ever wanted to be working there for decades. I never wanted to live inside corporate America.

I forgot.

So intent on proving that I could make it on my own, I forgot to look up.  Too tired to see that my yard was a mess and that I couldn’t remember the last meal I enjoyed making.  My littles are growing up right in front of my eyes. I swear, I blink and they’re older, wiser, taller.   I don’t wanna miss anything else. I don’t want to be too tired to live in the now and enjoy when they want to share space with me and tell me all about everything.

I wish I could say I made the decision to make a change. I can't.  Sometimes you need a push to drop you onto the right path.
I was pushed. Gently dropped into a crossroads of choices and change.

So, I decided.

As soon as I made my decision, everything felt lighter. The crushing weight was gone. Poof. Evaporated away.

My pay-the-bills job is back to being just that. Simply a pay-the-bills job.
Not a career.
No jumping departments to advance. 
Six different positions in 3 years was plenty.  I’m finishing up the training this week, then it’s back to being on the front line.  I’m hopeful that within 6 months I’ll be in a position to see if there’s any stage managing work in town for me.

Because THAT’S my career.  That’s what I want to do for the rest of forever. Stage managing.

I miss it. The people, the intense relationships that form over a span of a couple of months, the overwhelming pride at watching a production go from read-thru to closing night.
I do miss it. so much.

I recently went to see a production here in town.  I’d worked with a couple of the actors before, and it was great to see them perform again. I wish I was better about spending time with the people I enjoy. But, I digress.  Walking out after the show, realizing exactly how much I miss that world, there was a wistful sadness about it.  I want to get back to being a part of that world. I will get back to being a part of that world.

In the last 4 weeks I’ve had multiple coworkers comment on the change in my attitude, how much happier I seem.  How even my choice of clothing has changed and seems more Kristin-y. 

I realized that I had been so concerned about how I was being perceived by everyone that I couldn’t be myself.
I couldn’t laugh and joke with everyone.
I felt like I couldn’t be friends with people I’ve worked with and spent so much time with, for fear of what someone might think.


I don’t need to be a role model for anyone other than my kids.  I don't need to fit anyone else's idea of what I should be like. My job isn’t dependent on the opinion of others.

We all know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, that I'm generally thought to be unapproachable and scary. 

I no longer have to moderate my behavior to make sure that everyone likes me.  
I can just be me. Sarcastic, awkward, bluntly honest, and quirky.

So, yeah. Work life has taken an unexpected turn. I’m happy at work. I don’t dread the morning. Finances will be a bit tight for a bit, but not forever.

What else?  Hmm. 

I got to spend time with a few of my favorite people last month.  They had helped me find my way thru some terrible times in the past. It was beyond awesome to spend time with them now that I am truly content with myself and very much in a good place.

I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how they carved a bit of time out for me.
Thank you, with all my heart. Thank you.


I’m very much smitten with one of my dearest friends.
I’ve sat here staring at the cursor trying to figure out how to sum up that part of my life, and I don’t think I can.  

So, I’ll simply say that I am happy.  

I’ve found my muchness, hidden in the quiet smile and easy laughter of a brown-eyed boy I knew I’d fall hard for when we were both much younger than we are now.  
I am ever so grateful that 20 years later, both of us a bit bruised, we found ourselves where we are.
I will always be grateful that the sister-of-my-heart meddled, helping the stars to align, knowing it was time for us to find each other again.

So, there's my update.  I don't plan on losing my muchness again, changing into someone I hardly knew. I'm hanging on to my muchness, reveling in the bits that make me me.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

i ramble

my pays-the-bills-world is drowning in a sea of hurricanes, rain, floods, and worried humans.
walking outside to breathe,  I find my i-love-you world is burning and the air is full of the smoky sorrows of dying forests.

The moon is orange and I spent an hour this morning smiling, talking, and wishing time would slow down.


I fell. I did. Completely tripped. But you know what? It's nice down here. On the ground.  I think i might stay. Really,  a soft patch of parched forest moss. It's not terrible.

Yes. I fell.
Fuck.  That shit is scary.
Intense. all the feelings.
Where'd they come from?
didn't know my bruised and battered, much mended me could feel that.
Intense. So much.

So much joy. And talking

Dear gods
 so much talking.
All the things.

No stable, sensible monotone life for me.
Give me intense joy, absolute bliss. I crave it.
I gladly pay the price.  feel the gravity. welcome the nothing. The barely living.

It. Is. All. Worth. It.

The tears. The laugh.  The bliss.

do it.

Run towards what makes you most you.
Run towards what challenges you
Run to what holds you up when you hit something that hurts more than everything and nothing all at once.

Love what doesn't question your what-ifs, your maybe-could-we, your questionable choices.

Make it yours.
With love
And honesty
And clarity.


The only definitions are what you decide.
You decide. Together.

Let me repeat.
  because, it is a hard lesson to learn.

You decide what makes you most happy.

You decide the best way for you.

There is no one - true - way.

There is no set line of this-goes-next.

Be happy. Be true. Be loved. Love. Care.
 Oh dear gods care.
All the caring.
All the talking.
So much talking.
So much caring.

And listening.
And joy.
So much giving joy
So much living joy.
And learning.

It's okay to be happy today.
It's okay to worry about tomorrow.
And, seriously,  still learning, still accepting

It is not okay to let the worry of tomorrow's tomorrows steal away the today.  The bliss.  The joy. The today.

Today is not tomorrow.
Live in today.
Don't wait for tomorrow.

i know,  i ramble. i'm kristin.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

choices and priorities

Everything can be broken down to choices.

Some choices have little impact on the greater scheme of things.
some choices change everything.
Basic.  Simple. Not easy.
Rarely is anything straightforward or easy.
Choices cause changes.
Choices cause hurt.
Choices can heal.

So. How do you make choices?

Life, sorted into a tangled list of importance.
Constantly changing. complex. messy.

I'm awesome at priorities. I got mine all in order.
I know.
For now, I got this.
For now.

So, i do the things i don't want to.


I do the hard things.
the unpleasant things.
the grown up things.
the scary things.


But. Also.

I live.
I listen.
I love.
I try.