Saturday, March 18, 2017

drifting between dreaming and awake

Gently, quietly.
the softest touch of a warm blanket
 sliding over my skin to settle on my shoulders.

too sleepy to swim back to the place where my eyes will open,
words about opening a window tumble out.
Because, rain.

Surprise.
Because, always cold.

I insist.
Because, rain.

A sigh of happiness.
The sound of a window sliding open
and the scent of fresh spring rain.

A moment of stillness as the peaceful sounds of falling rain fill the air
as i drift between dreaming and awake.

Another contented sigh
and sounds of settling.

No extra thoughts.
No stray worries.
Just the music of the rain,
the warmth of blankets,
and the slight sound of sleepy breathing.

Time to drift into dreaming.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Flowers in February

Valentine's day is not my favorite.

Actually, it annoys the crap out of me.
The idea that February 14th is the only day to celebrate love and kindness, to give little (or not so little) gifts to the loves on your life, is just plain dumb.

I had to go to the store tonight.
We went thru the valentine's section.
 It was full of tired people.
 And children. Children everywhere.
Tired children.

The Littles and I got what we needed and left. Driving home, cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, I was thinking.

Why do I have such an aversion to this day?
It makes no sense.
I am genuinely happy.
I have no jealously towards those that are madly in love, forever in love, newly in love, or comfortably in love.
Hard to belive, but it's true.

Sometimes I will have a someone.
While I have a someone, I will enjoy every moment.
Sometimes I will not have a someone.
While I am alone, I will appreciate every moment.

I've come to the conclusion that even as too-much as I am, there are good guys out there that enjoy spending time with me, at least for a while.

So I truly don't envy or begrudge the valentines their romance.

So then, why do I dislike this holiday?

It's the flowers.
I love cut flowers.
I do not buy myself cut flowers.
That's a bit out of the budget.

In the summer, there is always a mason jar full of whatever is blooming somewhere in the house.

But it's February.
The stores are full of cut flowers.
Flowers that serve no other purpose than to be admired and enjoyed.
No practical reason.
Frivolous.

I miss them.
Frivolous flowers, with their short life span and inpracticality.

That is why Valentine's day is not my favorite.
Because
I miss
flowers in February.



Post script: my mom showed up at my house with a pot of blooming tulips while I was writing this.

Because she remembered I like flowers.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

I need a new plan

I need a new plan.

I am not where I was.
Well, of course you’re not where you were. Duh.
*sigh*
fine.

I am not where I expected to be.

It’s like I took a giant leap forward. 
Sort of. 

I can divide my life into three broad facets. 
Work, Family, and Personal.
A massive simplification, I know,
but sometimes broad strokes are best.

I took a giant leap forward in my work life.
In November I was promoted to Supervisor.
Woot. Yay. Awesome.
Goal met. Check it off the list.

Here’s the catch.
In my master plan,
the hidden checklist in my brain,
I wasn’t supposed to be here for another year or so.


So, here I am, treading water again.

Not sure which way I want to go. No hint of what I want the future to look like.


The difference between now and the last time I was treading water is that the water isn’t deep. I’m not flailing about completely lost in all three areas.

Family.
Pretty darn solid. Both the family I was born into, and the family I share no genetic material with.

This summer I was having a conversation with my mom, and she said something that has totally stuck with me. I really don’t remember much, except for one comment she made. “I realized you didn’t not call on purpose, you just don’t think about calling. It’s not that you don’t want to talk to me, because when I call, you’ll happily talk. You just don’t think about calling.”

It had never occurred to me that anyone would think that I was purposely avoiding talking to them on the phone. Ever. I don’t chat. Or make small talk. I suck at it. Completely. I know this. I don’t like small talk or chatting. Awkward. So why on earth would I call anyone unless I had a question I needed answered?
I had hurt someone I cared about by just being me. And they hadn’t told me.  I filed away the experience. Now aware that someone could be hurt by me just being me.
I was very happy she had figured out it wasn’t intentional.

I’ve made a point to be pretty genuine in the last year. For a while I was working in a position where I didn’t have the energy to put a mask on and pretend that I was okay, that work was only a little stressful.

I remember I came home from work and my dad was working on something outside. I went out to check in, and let him know I was home, and I felt like he finally saw me. Saw how much stress I was under at work. How little energy I had left when I got home. Nothing left for mopping floors and scrubbing sinks. I don’t know what changed exactly, or how, but I got the impression that the mess and dirty floors finally made sense. I wasn’t avoiding it, I just didn’t have anything left.

My sister continues to listen to my random things. I know that sometimes she doesn’t agree or see the point, but she does listen, and she knows I’ve thought about consequences of anything I decide to do.  And I know that she has valid points, and I do listen. We sometimes do not agree, but we both know that different things have different importance to us.

When I was floundering about trying not to drown last time, my family was just as bewildered as I was, and it was hard to find common ground.

My soul-sibs have always been there, and always will, that’s why they’re the siblings-of-my-heart.
Unfailing support
always.

So, solid on the family.

Personal life.

Well.

Hmm....yeah.

I had a someone. A someone whom I did love, 80ish % of the time.
As things went on, I realized that what I wanted when we began was very different than what I want now.
I am thankful for that someone, for without him, I would not have learned more about what I want, and what I don’t.

So, we acknowledged that we want different things and went our different ways.

Getting used to not having a someone to curl up with on the couch, a someone who to take me out for breakfast, was hard.  Not as hard as I thought it would be, but certainly not easy.  I’m content when it's just me and mine.

I like being loved. I like loving.

But I don’t need it.
I don’t expect it to last.
I’ve learned to enjoy every single moment of the joy, the happiness, the butterflies.
I’ve learned that the joy of finding a someone is worth the heartache of letting them go.
I’ve learned to cherish every moment, to not take anything for granted. For as long, or as short, as it lasts.
I don’t need to be loved by a someone.
I don’t need someone to curl up with.

I do cherish every moment that I get to spend curled on a couch with a someone.

I’m a difficult, complicated, confusing person to be with.
I know this.
So, I enjoy every moment while it lasts.
I accept when it’s done.

I don’t like it, but I know that as long as I’ve been myself, as long as I’ve been honest, I’ve done everything I can do.

Sucks, hurts, and
I wish it were different,
but
I know I’m complicated.
I know I’m a lot.
I know I’m too much.

So, personal life? I’m pretty grounded, I’ve accepted who I am.  I sometimes wish there was a someone, but I can’t force it and I’m not looking. Love will find me when it finds me, and I will enjoy it while it lasts.

In short, instead of floundering about, lost in a sea of every facet of my life, there’s just the one. work.
I can totally deal with no direction in only one of those areas.

Compared to where I was it’s totally cake.


oh, 
My Littles?
They are thriving.
They are all that they have always been.
Everything I do, all my choices, everything, is based on how it effects them.

My eldest is in high school now.

Do you remember high school?

It’s been 20 years, but it sure sounds similar.
Heartache.
Happiness.
Stupid Boys.

I laugh sometimes.
Because

even twenty years later,


Boys are still stupid.