compliments and self-confidence

Compliments are nice. I like it when someone complements me.

Makes me smile on the inside.  

I do have a hard time believing them.

I’m learning to listen to the words and not brush them aside.

I’m working on saying “Thank you” and not dismissing it as untruth.

I like giving complements.  It’s me saying hey, I noticed this, and I liked it.  Much more direct that staring and drooling.  I like direct.  

Don’t get me wrong, I adore looking at attractive people.  

Personally, I’m a collarbone and shoulder girl. 

And messy hair 

And scruffy, haven’t-shaved-in-a few-days faces.  

sigh.

Yup.

Wow, kinda a tangent there.  Okay. Where was I?

Compliments.

Yes.

When I’m done staring, or sometimes mid-stare, if I know them, I’m most likely going to tell them what I like about them. 

I’m not trying to impress anyone.  I’m not going to change anything about myself to suit someone else. I am who I am.  I’m not afraid to show that person to the world.  I respectfully don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I’m not going to waste time hiding my personality just so someone I find attractive will want to spend time with me.  I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.   I don’t want to be.  I just want to be me and I want to spend time with people who like spending time with me.  

Self-confidence is such a complex thing.

There are some situations and areas that I am completely self-confident and happy with myself.  I have a ton of self confidence in my professional life, in my ability to parent, in my appearance.  I figure that if I like how I look before I head out the door, than who cares if anyone else does.  Where my confidence starts to falter is in social situations.  I have a hard time believing that people like being around me and would seek out my company. Regardless of how many times it is repeatedly beat into my head, I just don’t have a lot of experience being social, so there’s not a lot of confidence there.  The confidence is growing, every time I do something new that doesn’t kill me.

Inviting people out to my house:  I realized that I really didn’t care if two people or twenty came. I didn't care if there was dust everywhere.  My house was clean-ish, the bathrooms clean.  I was going to relax and enjoy whoever came, because they wanted to be here, at my house, with me. If no one came, well then, their loss, and I’d eat all the marshmallows.

I am not defined by the people around me.  It’s not high school.

Last weekend I went out after one of the shows to a new-to-me, ridiculously loud place with a bunch of the cast (their average age was probably 22).  I sat in my corner, clutching my whiskey and chatting with my two “safe” people who came with me. I talked to others and I didn’t sound like an idiot. It didn’t kill me.  I don’t care if people think I’m being antisocial sitting in the corner quietly watching all the inebriated people act like idiots. I know I’m not being antisocial.

If someone wants to talk to me, they’ll talk to me.  If I want to talk to someone, I’ll talk to them.

Simple things, but both require a confidence that doesn’t come naturally to me.  I’m super proud of myself for both events.  I’m also uber happy that the next night, when I didn’t want to go back to the loud place with the 20-somethings, I said so, and friends opted to go somewhere quiet with me.  They had a choice of two options, and regardless of the reason, some chose to go with me. If this small group of friends who are mostly aware of all my quirks, likes me, then eventually I’ll meet someone who likes me enough to want to spend time with just me.

Eventually. 

Until then I’ll keep pushing my limits, growing as a person and giving and accepting honest compliments.