no one stays

I am myself, unapologetically myself. I'm complicated. I'm blunt and honest. I am a lot.

No one stays.
This is the truth.
I accept this.

I know that every connection is temporary.  They all leave.

So, I have choices.

I can avoid all attachments to anyone. I can build a wall of ice around myself, i can keep everyone away and avoid all possible hurt.

Or

I can enjoy the connections. 
I can treasure the moments of bliss and happiness. 

I'd rather enjoy the brief moments of happiness and connection than not to have any connections at all.

I treasure the smiles and laughter. The closeness and comfort.  And when they walk away, I let them. I let go. 

Accepting that they choose to walk away is hard.  It would be safer to push everyone away. It certainly would hurt less. But, everything would be less. Memories that make me smile wouldn't be there, memories of being cherished, wanted, chosen, even for a little bit, would be missing.

I know they care. I know they leave because they care.

At night, I stare at the stars in the darkness, little twinkling bits of glitter in the deep black sky.  It's too beautiful, too perfect. My heart hurts because I remember a tiny moment of perfection I shared with someone who cared. Yesterday, last month, three years ago, or almost twenty years ago.  All the tiny moments of perfection are branded on my brain, and cause a ache I cannot ignore in my heart. 

Yet, I still search for the stars at night, still, i turn my face to the east at dawn, still, i watch the rain streak down the window. 

Little bits of beauty and perfection that remind me that even the briefest moments of connection have lasting impact, and I am a more complete person for having shared all the moments together. 

Thank you.