talking to myself

My irrational fear of new.

It’s stupid. It’s irrational.  But it is predictable, for the most part.

Anxiety blows.

I manage it the best I can, without medication at this point.  What I do works for me.  I’d rather deal with the anxiety than the side effects of more medication.

My choice.

We have a unique relationship,

 my subconscious and I. 

Enjoy.

*A note – being this is pretty much an internal monologue, there’s some language in it that I don’t generally use when I post.*

He wanted to take me out for a nice dinner.

I honestly can’t remember the last nice dinner I went to.

It was very sweet. 

Bastard.

I was doing fine.  Really. despite having worked eight days in a row and not sleeping well. I was fine.

well, I was pretty damn tired.

But.  

Looking forward to seeing him. 

I went to pick him up from where he was staying.

This when our story begins.

Me, in my car figuring out where I'm picking him from

Not new.  Done that before.

Wait! You’ve not picked him up from the house before.

There will be people there!

You’ll have to meet people. 

And be social and polite with people you don’t know.

You don’t know what he’s told them about you!

Aaaaagggghhhhh.

Holy marigolds. Dammit. Fucking hell.

I drove past the house twice before I forced myself to park.

This is stupid.

It’s a house, you've been into houses.

Just get out of the car.

NO.

the car is safe.  

OUTSIDE is not safe. 

If you get out you'll have to walk to the door.

G E T.

OUT.

of the

C A R.

Fine.  Out. Happy?

Ah hell.  I have to knock on the door.

Nonononononono.

if you knock on the door you’ll have to GO IN.

Shut.

The.

Fuck.

Up.

*silence*

I’m knocking.

*silence*

He answered.  

See. Just him.  Not new.

Grumblegrumblegrumble.

AHHHHH

See, you have to meet someone.

I was right!

This is terrible.

We’re gonna die!

Shut up.

I am not going to die.

Actually I think I've met this person before.

You’re lying.

Introductions were made.

I didn’t die.

Comments on pink hair were made.

Is it really that extraordinary?

not important.

get back to the van.

Backtothevanbacktothevanbacktothevan.

My subconscious shut up at that point, but I knew it was just waiting.

Just.

Waiting.

He met the kids. And the dog. 

He introduced himself to the dog before my kids. 

Priorities, Silly boy.

Dropping the kids off at their dad’s.

More introductions.

My subconscious was still ominously silent.

Then

DINNER

HA. NO.

Terrible idea. 

eating is stupid.  

Shut up.

I am going to dinner

AND

I’m going to damn well enjoy it.

"Wait, can we get scotch first?"

"Sure."

Newnewnewnewnewnewnewnew.

Yes, this liquor store is new. Deal.

Didn’t have what he wanted.

see?  

new is not good. 

told you.

Finally found what he wanted,

then on to dinner

 The parking lot was full. 

Never parked in this lot before.

I’ve parked before. Deal.

If parking is not new, why are you so terrible at it?

Great. 

my subconscious is giving me shit about my parking skills.

RESTUARANT

NEW

NOT NEW.  

Dammit. 

You’ve been here before.  

It’s attached the gaddamn bar I Friday at. 

NOT NEW.

Him? New?

No. not new.

But, New.

Yes, okay, in this context new - ish.

He’s fun. I like him.

*grudging acceptance*

ORDERING

A bit of discussion about what I don’t like.  

At this point he kinda took pity on me and didn’t ask me to make any decisions about starters.  

For which, I am eternally grateful because I couldn’t have made any more decisions.

DRINKS

NO NEW.  

Nonononono.

SHUT UP.

I WANT new.

This is new and he is new

and  

I WANT NEW.

*silence*

Look, that one.  

It has bourbon.  

Bourbon is whiskey. 

Whiskey is not new.

okay.

My usual coping mechanism when dealing with stressful situations is to not eat.

That was not going to work.

I’m eating.

All this new food.

So you can just deal with it.

no. 

can't

really.

too much.

Fine.

I’m going to taste it all.

Deal?

Deal.

I did taste it all.

It was yummy.

My anxiety didn’t go away, it just sorta gave up.

I wonder if I ran out of adrenalin.

I have a few friends that make the anxiety lose its intensity.

One of them sat across from me, completely unaware he was making it better.

He is aware new is hard for me, but that didn't stop him from pushing my limits. 

If I want to spend time with him, it’s all gonna be new.

I have no idea what he thought of the whole adventure, but I’m sure I wasn’t engaging company.

I certainly don’t remember much of what we talked about.

I do remember smiling and having a good time.

At some point he threatened to find my big-little-brother and insist take me skydiving.

new.new.new.scary.new

he's joking....I think.

I remember other things about dinner, but they’re my things to remember.

I half expected him to just ask me to take him home after dinner. 

There’s no way I had been anything other than shy and awkward.

I’m all kinds of awkward at the best of times, add exhaustion and anxiety and I’m sure I wasn’t very much fun at all.

But he didn’t.

yay, new!