own the awesome

I’ve been writing posts in my head for the last few weeks.  But my thoughts have been so scattered that I‘ve avoided opening up Word and staring at the blinking cursor.

Well, here I am.

Staring at the cursor, watching the words flow from my brain, through my fingers and on to the screen.

So many topics.

So many scattered, half-formed ideas.

A few weeks ago I was having a late-night parking lot conversation about self-confidence.

Words were said that I’ve been repeating to myself every day since.

“You’re awesome. 

You know this.  Own it. 

Own the awesome.

The rest will come.”

Own the awesome.

Own it.

Oh, hell. I’m trying.

 

I know who I am.  If anything, this last year has been incredibly introspective.

I know what I like and what I don’t.

I know my strengths and my weaknesses.

“Own the awesome” and “I respectfully don’t give a damn what you think” go hand in hand.

Last week I joined some of the cast at a local bar for karaoke night.

No, I did not sing.  But I chatted with people and listened to them sing. 

I sat by myself in the corner, people watching.

And that was the best part.

For the first time in my life I wasn't concerned about what people saw when they looked at me sitting in the corner alone. 

Because I was having a good time.

I

was

having

a

good

time.

Alone. In a crowded bar, surrounded by a sea of people and noise.

I was owning the awesome.  Without consciously trying to.

I was comfortable just being me, and that was amazing.

At one point, as I sat people watching, I realized that I missed having someone sitting next to me, in my bubble, watching with me, laughing with me.  That was the point I realized it was time to head home. 

Before I got all melancholy.

Because I miss it.  Oh, how I miss it.

Terribly.

I miss having someone to laugh with,

someone to take me out for pancakes,

to sit on the couch and relax with.

I miss not having to drive myself everywhere.

I miss being greeted with a hug and a kiss on the top of my head.

I miss holding hands and sitting close.

I miss someone who's eyes light up when they see me.

I miss waking up and the middle of the night and reaching out to feel the comforting strength of a he in my bed.

I want all of these things.

I want him to know he’s allowed in my bubble, and have him touch me without asking.

I want him to hug me without my having to ask.

I want to be the reason he smiles.

I want a him.

I don't want a he who needs to see me everyday.

I don't want a he who doesn't understand that I'm crazy busy.

I don't want a he who's looking for forever, right now.

If only it were that easy.  Snap my fingers have a he appear. 

It’s not.

So I continue to miss a faceless he.

I continue to be myself and hope that someday soon, a he will appear.

I will happily be alone until then, learning the virtues of patience.

Alone, surrounded by a sea of people and noise.

owning the awesome.