Saturday, January 4, 2014

Roads, Bricks, and the End of the World

I see myself alone for a while. A long while.

This road I've chosen may eventually lead me to a point where I find he who steals into my heart.
Perhaps I met him years ago and we're already friends.
Perhaps I’ll meet him next year. Or the year after.

One day, if timing is right, we’ll be in the same place at the same time. 
Both looking for something and finding it in each other.

If we find each other at the wrong time, 
when one or both of us aren’t ready,
we’ll follow our own roads,

If timing isn't ever right, so be it.

I don’t like being alone.  I don’t like sleeping alone.  I don’t like waking up alone.
Alone is better than settling.
I’m not settling.

I've been thinking about the about the man I fell in love with so long ago.
I've been pondering the men I know, their strengths and flaws.
Sorting through what I like about these friends of mine.  

I know what I want.

  • I want smiles and laughter.
  • I want someone who doesn't mind messes.
  • I want him to smile and pull me close when I put my cold feet on his.
  • I want him take one look at me and know how I’m doing. Instantly. And try to make it better, even just a little bit.
  • I want to admire him.  I want to tell him, “I hope my son grows up to be like you”
  • I want him to make my heart sing.
  • I want him to sing to me and tell me stories. I miss stories.
  • I want him to know he adds to the happiness in my heart, but is not my only happiness.
  • I want him to understand my hurts, accept them and help heal them.
  • I want him to be my friend first. 
  • I want him to understand how important family is to me and to feel the same way.
  •  I want one day to realize that this guy, this great friend, means more to me than I thought.
  •  And I want him to feel the same way.  I want it to hit him like a ton of bricks.  And have the courage to tell me.

Some days are harder than others. Most days right now, honestly.
But under it all there is a basic happiness that makes the hard days bearable.
I'm okay.  It will be okay. It all works out in the end.
I hope that I won’t be alone forever, but I'll still be happy if I am.

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