Forgive Me

After almost 12 years of marriage my husband and I stopped putting band-aids on our problems.

The result?  We are no longer married.

On August 8th we went to the courthouse and stood together in front of a judge, as he read thru the paperwork we did together.  He asked a few questions, signed the documents and then it was done.

We were married for 11 years and 11 months – to the day.

We are all still adjusting.

I still talk with him almost daily – we have three children together and while he isn’t living with us, he is still parenting with me. We are much better at being friends than being married.

I’m not saying it is easy.  It isn’t.

I don’t have a partner that will help me shoulder the burden of life.  It’s a lot.  It’s hard.

Friends and family want to know how they can help. 

The hardest parts are things no one else can do.

No one else can get the kids ready for school in the morning.

No one else can make dinner decisions every night, and then make dinner every night.

No one else can be there at 2am when the smallest has a bad dream and wants to sleep in Mommy's bed.

Those are the burdens I must bear myself.

I made these choices and I accept responsibility for them.

I am not whining.  I am not looking for sympathy.

Really want to help?

Come wash my floors. Mow my lawn. Drop off a bag of groceries. A tray of Tess-safe goodies.

Listen when I need to talk to someone and accept when I don’t.

Forgive me when I forget your birthday.

Forgive me when I don’t respond the way you want.

Forgive me when I don’t seem to care about your troubles.

I care.  Believe me, I care.

I don’t have anything left to give; I’m pouring it all into making life go on for my three. 

I’m remembering to wash their shin guards.

I’m helping with homework – patiently.

I’m watching as they make cookies and not grumping (too much) when the kitchen is trashed.

I’m remembering that they asked for bagels.

I’m walking them to the bus.

I’m smiling as I stand in the rain watching soccer practice.

I am doing the best I can with what I have.

Everything else will be there tomorrow.