i don't want a forever...and that's okay

Relationships.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I wanted to follow the storybook path of how things generally happen.

But I don't want that.

It took me a long time to figure out what I want. First I had to figure who I am.  For 17 years I'd been part of a couple. I really didn't know who I was. - am - who I am.  

I figured it out.  

I am Kristin Michelle. 

At first I wanted a future with a someone. After 17 years it was hard to adjust to not having someone there. No one there to catch me when I fell, or help me run a household, to turn to when all I wanted was to forget the world for a couple of hours.

But, at my core I knew I wasn't ready for any sort of relationship. 
So I found my friends.  Friends I can laugh with and call when things weren't going right. Friends who never need to ask if they can invade my bubble.  

M'Amy.
My Friday ladies.
and
My Younger-Than-Me Big Brother

Alone, I dealt with frozen pipes, scary noises in the dark, car trouble, bills. 
Alone. I made all the decisions. 
I did what I thought was best.

and I liked being alone.  I was thriving being alone.
Sure, I missed having a someone around sometimes.   Watching movies curled up next to someone is much nicer than watching movies alone.  But I want to have that time on my own terms.  I want to share my space on my terms.

I don't want a forever.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a forever.

I repeat.

I don't want a forever.  and that's okay.

I was driving my eldest home from somewhere a while back.  Out of the blue she commented that I was happy.  She went on to elaborate that different people need different things.  She was happy that her Daddy had found someone.  And she was happy that I didn't need to find someone.

I was taken aback a bit.  She's twelve.  She's watched her dad and I take to very different paths.  Both are good paths.  They're just completely different paths.   By this point, I had serendipitously found my sometimes-someone.  So she was watching that unfold, very slowly unfold.

My twelve year saw the truth before I did.

My heart isn't broken and just needing time to mend. 

I just don't need a forever. 
I'm happier being just me.

I like being alone.
Alone is not lonely.
It can be, but being "alone" doesn't immediately means you're lonely.

I like being the only adult in my house, making all my own decisions. I love the independence that comes with being alone. I like going out with friends and not worrying about what time I need to be home, or sitting at home wondering how late he's going to be.  

I like having the freedom to just be.

My Facebook feed is full of couples. Couples who've been married for decades, couples struggling to stay together, newly made couples looking forward to a bright future together.

I'm very happy for them all, they've found what's best for them.

I don't want to be part of a couple, but, it still...
well...
I still feel it...
that little ache of "oh...I wish that would make me happy."

But it won't.
Forever won't make me happy.

But I know what will.
It's complicated.
I'm complicated. 
My life is complicated. 
There isn't anything about me that isn't complicated. 
Except for maybe my infatuation with whiskey. That's not complicated.

It's easier to say what I don't want.

I don't want a bunch of notches. 

I can't do notches. 
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. 
My subconscious doesn't do well with "new."  
Essentially, that's what a notch is - New, every time.

Um. No. 
Wish I could. Really do.
because, in the very wise words of one of my friday girls, "Sometimes you just need a notch, ya know?"

But, I can't.  So I won't.

What do I want?  If we stick with my furniture analogies, I guess I want a broken table. Sort of. 

It's confusing, I know. 
like I said, complicated.

You know what I else don't want?

I don't want is to marry again.
Ever. 
Nope. 
It was great, just not for me. 

I know that now.


I don't want to be that important to someone, ever again. 




"You complete me" isn't for me. 



I complete me.