stupid irrational fear

I hate new.  

No, that’s not true.  New is generally fun.

Confused yet?

Anxiety. The completely irrational fear that is anxiety.

A recent example. 

A friend I went to high school with (and haven’t seen in  17 years) was stopping in Eugene for a bit and posted that he’d be happy to meet up for drinks with whomever in the area and had time.

 

Totally sounds like a good time, right?

I was looking forward to it…until mid-afternoon, when my subconscious realized that this was NEW, 

and my subconscious DOES NOT LIKE NEW.

My fight or flight response kicked in.  

My heart started racing and I couldn't think straight.

I cursed internally.    

So not my favorite thing to deal with.  I hate it. But, I know what to do.  

I sighed and began. 

(I used to have to physically stop and sit somewhere, now I can usually do it all internally, and continue whatever I was doing when my subconscious decided to be stupid.)

Here we go.

Step one: Break it down. What’s new?

New people.  I’ve not seen any of them in a long time. So, obviously, that counts as new. Not completely new, because I do actually know them.

New place.  I’ve not been to where we’re going. Dammit. So, google it. Great, now I know where it is.

Step Two:  Tell someone.  Don’t keep it bottled up.

Text sent.  Done.

Now, I am in control, not my subconscious.

My heart rate slows and my tremor is back down to barely noticeable. My tummy is still in a knot, but I can deal with that.

I promise myself french fries.

I still have an hour or so before I need to leave, so I continue cleaning and mentally keep the irrational fear trapped in a box in my head.

In the car, I listen to Sinatra on Pandora.  Lovely.  Some of my favorite music. 

All’s good. 

Until…

I realize I offered to pick him up.

Ah hell.  Kristin.  That was stupid.  So stupid.

You haven’t seen him in 17 years.  

What were you thinking?!? What if he’s turned into a serial killer rapist, or worse, a blathering idiot?

Luckily for me, he wasn't an idiot. Or a serial killer rapist.

One of the first things he said was, “You still have pink hair!”  which instantly made me smile and the anxiety shrank to almost nothing.

It came back though, once I was in the new place.  

But I outsmarted myself.

It’s a new place. It’s a new place. It’s...

Yes. BUT…

It’s not new to go to a new place.

I’ve done that before. 

Ha! Take that, you stupid irrational fear

Whiskey and fries and laughter.

Catching up with old friends, remembering why they were friends.

Take that, you stupid irrational fear.