always friends, sometimes more

I made the decision a while ago to be myself. It’s stupid not to be.  Blunt and honest. No games and no pretending.  I’m pretty good at being me.  I’ve gotten lots of self confidence beaten into my head over the last two years. People enjoy my company. I don’t understand it, but I don’t question it. 

Where I lack self-confidence is in myself as a woman.  I don’t get hit on when I go out.  I don’t ever get approached.  I’ve not been on a date since I was seventeen.
 Eighteen years ago.

When I was seventeen I started dating the man who would become my husband.  We spent the next seventeen years together.  Since our marriage ended two people have expressed interest in me. 
Two.

Neither of those two people would be up for me and my complicatedness.

Last summer I reconnected with a friend from a life time ago.  I took a chance and we had a conversation.  Since that conversation we've had quite a lot of conversations.  He’s spent the last six months pointing out the flaws in my reasoning, making me smile, being there for me when he’s able.  

I like him. Always did, it just never happened, before.

We were finally in the same place at the same time.  We carved out a bit of time to spend together.  I looked forward to it. Very much so. I looked forward to spending time with someone who knew all of my complicated-ness and still wasn’t scared off. 
Really, almost too good to true.

That's when my subconscious started.
Yep. 
Its too good to be true. 
He’s going to realize I’m a lot and decide I’m not worth his time.

That thought kept going in circles in my brain.   
Too good to be true. Too good to be true.  Too good to be true.

That, and I was afraid.

Very.

I was very afraid that I had been terribly wrong.
I was afraid that in spite of my bone-deep certainty that I didn't want a forever I was really just hiding from myself.
I was afraid that others were right and I really did want a forever, a someone to cling to, lean on.  
I was afraid that I was hiding from the truth because I was afraid of getting hurt.  
I was afraid I’d just gotten so used to sleeping alone that I didn't remember how nice it was not to be alone.  
I was afraid that I going back to always-friends after sometimes-more was not going to be easy. 
I was afraid there would be a hole in my heart when he left.

 At some point, lying in the dark, listening to him sleep, I realized  that I had been right.  I know myself better than anyone else. My fears were groundless.

I don’t want a forever. 

Love him?  Nope.
Wish he lived here? Nope.

My subconscious relaxed and I was finally able to sleep.

I don’t want him to stay.
I am so happy I don’t want him to stay.

Oh, I want more time with him.  I'll take as much as he can give me. 
I want him to come back, as long as he wants to come back.

He says he does, he even said when he’ll be back. 

I’m having a hard time believing him. Oh, I think I’m pleasing to look at, but I’m a lot.  Being more, even just a sometimes-more, means accepting all of me.

But. Trying not to question it.

So, until he visits again,   I’ll enjoy being always-friends.  His messages will make me smile and I’ll look forward to actual time together.  And if he changes his mind and I’m too much, so be it. We’ll still be always-friends.  I’ll just have to buy my own dinner. And sleep alone.

I know that as long as he can say, “I will be back on this date and I want to see you” I’ll look forward to that time and anyone else will have to be pretty amazing for me to be willing to let go of my sometimes-more.

There is a point that he won’t be able to say that though.  He’ll be starting a new adventure later this year that means it will probably be two-ish years before he’s back. 
He doesn’t know.
I don’t know. 

A lot can happen in two years and nothing can happen in two years.



Tomorrow will take care of tomorrow.

I’m gonna enjoy today.