muchness

Somewhere along the way I lost my muchness. I’m not sure when or where it happened.  Sometime in the last year, for sure. I forgot that muchness is important.

I forgot.

I forgot that my pay-the-bills job was never intended to be a career.  I never ever wanted to be working there for decades. I never wanted to live inside corporate America.

I forgot.

So intent on proving that I could make it on my own, I forgot to look up.  Too tired to see that my yard was a mess and that I couldn’t remember the last meal I enjoyed making.  My littles are growing up right in front of my eyes. I swear, I blink and they’re older, wiser, taller.   I don’t wanna miss anything else. I don’t want to be too tired to live in the now and enjoy when they want to share space with me and tell me all about everything.

I wish I could say I made the decision to make a change. I can't.  Sometimes you need a push to drop you onto the right path.

I was pushed. Gently dropped into a crossroads of choices and change.

So, I decided.

As soon as I made my decision, everything felt lighter. The crushing weight was gone. Poof. Evaporated away.

My pay-the-bills job is back to being just that. Simply a pay-the-bills job.

Not a career.

No jumping departments to advance. 

Six different positions in 3 years was plenty.  I’m finishing up the training this week, then it’s back to being on the front line.  I’m hopeful that within 6 months I’ll be in a position to see if there’s any stage managing work in town for me.

Because THAT’S my career.  That’s what I want to do for the rest of forever. Stage managing.

I miss it. The people, the intense relationships that form over a span of a couple of months, the overwhelming pride at watching a production go from read-thru to closing night.

I do miss it. so much.

I recently went to see a production here in town.  I’d worked with a couple of the actors before, and it was great to see them perform again. I wish I was better about spending time with the people I enjoy. But, I digress.  Walking out after the show, realizing exactly how much I miss that world, there was a wistful sadness about it.  I want to get back to being a part of that world. I will get back to being a part of that world.

In the last 4 weeks I’ve had multiple coworkers comment on the change in my attitude, how much happier I seem.  How even my choice of clothing has changed and seems more Kristin-y. 

I realized that I had been so concerned about how I was being perceived by everyone that I couldn’t be myself.

I couldn’t laugh and joke with everyone.

I felt like I couldn’t be friends with people I’ve worked with and spent so much time with, for fear of what someone might think.

Now? 

I don’t need to be a role model for anyone other than my kids.  I don't need to fit anyone else's idea of what I should be like. My job isn’t dependent on the opinion of others.

We all know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, that I'm generally thought to be unapproachable and scary. 

I no longer have to moderate my behavior to make sure that everyone likes me.  

I can just be me. Sarcastic, awkward, bluntly honest, and quirky.

So, yeah. Work life has taken an unexpected turn. I’m happy at work. I don’t dread the morning. Finances will be a bit tight for a bit, but not forever.

What else?  Hmm. 

I got to spend time with a few of my favorite people last month.  They had helped me find my way thru some terrible times in the past. It was beyond awesome to spend time with them now that I am truly content with myself and very much in a good place.

I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how they carved a bit of time out for me.

Thank you, with all my heart. Thank you.

Oh!

I’m very much smitten with one of my dearest friends.

I’ve sat here staring at the cursor trying to figure out how to sum up that part of my life, and I don’t think I can.  

So, I’ll simply say that I am happy.  

I’ve found my muchness, hidden in the quiet smile and easy laughter of a brown-eyed boy I knew I’d fall hard for when we were both much younger than we are now.  

I am ever so grateful that 20 years later, both of us a bit bruised, we found ourselves where we are.

I will always be grateful that the sister-of-my-heart meddled, helping the stars to align, knowing it was time for us to find each other again.

So, there's my update.  I don't plan on losing my muchness again, changing into someone I hardly knew. I'm hanging on to my muchness, reveling in the bits that make me me.

i ramble

my pays-the-bills-world is drowning in a sea of hurricanes, rain, floods, and worried humans.
walking outside to breathe,  I find my i-love-you world is burning and the air is full of the smoky sorrows of dying forests.

The moon is orange and I spent an hour this morning smiling, talking, and wishing time would slow down.

----

I fell. I did. Completely tripped. But you know what? It's nice down here. On the ground.  I think i might stay. Really,  a soft patch of parched forest moss. It's not terrible.

Yes. I fell.
Completely.
Blindsided.
Fuck.  That shit is scary.
Intense. all the feelings.
Where'd they come from?
didn't know my bruised and battered, much mended me could feel that.
Intense. So much.

And
So.
Amazing.
So much joy. And talking

Dear gods
 so much talking.
 about.
All the things.


Choices.
No stable, sensible monotone life for me.
Give me intense joy, absolute bliss. I crave it.
I gladly pay the price.  feel the gravity. welcome the nothing. The barely living.

It. Is. All. Worth. It.

The tears. The laugh.  The bliss.



do it.

Run.
Run towards what makes you most you.
Run.
Run towards what challenges you
Run to what holds you up when you hit something that hurts more than everything and nothing all at once.

Love.
Love what doesn't question your what-ifs, your maybe-could-we, your questionable choices.

Make it yours.
With love
And honesty
And clarity.

Talking.
Listening.
Being.

The only definitions are what you decide.
Together.
You decide. Together.

Let me repeat.
  because, it is a hard lesson to learn.

Together.
You decide what makes you most happy.
Together.

You decide the best way for you.

There is no one - true - way.

There is no set line of this-goes-next.

Be happy. Be true. Be loved. Love. Care.
 Oh dear gods care.
All the caring.
All the talking.
So much talking.
So much caring.

And listening.
And joy.
So much giving joy
So much living joy.
And learning.
Patience.

It's okay to be happy today.
It's okay to worry about tomorrow.
But.
And, seriously,  still learning, still accepting

It is not okay to let the worry of tomorrow's tomorrows steal away the today.  The bliss.  The joy. The today.

Today is not tomorrow.
Live in today.
Don't wait for tomorrow.



i know,  i ramble. i'm kristin.

choices and priorities

Everything can be broken down to choices.

Some choices have little impact on the greater scheme of things.
some choices change everything.
Choices.
Basic.  Simple. Not easy.
Rarely is anything straightforward or easy.
Choices cause changes.
Choices cause hurt.
Choices can heal.

So. How do you make choices?

Priorities.
Life, sorted into a tangled list of importance.
Constantly changing. complex. messy.

I'm awesome at priorities. I got mine all in order.
I know.
Boom.
Done.
For now, I got this.
For now.

So, i do the things i don't want to.

because.
priorities.

I do the hard things.
the unpleasant things.
the grown up things.
the scary things.

because.
priorites.

But. Also.

I live.
I listen.
I love.
I try.

because.
priorities.

llamas with hats, archer, and charlie the unicorn

My dear friend, Mr Jameson, convinced me that it was a good idea to have an honest conversation with an old friend.   The last time whiskey convinced me to say a few things to an old friend it was one of my better decisions.  So,  hey, if it worked once....

The conversation was both harder and easier. We're very different people. I'm too much and he's intense. But all the cards were on the table.
Lots of talking.  Lots of whiskey.
Oh, so much....talking.

When we ran out of words we realized we had found a beginning.

I really didn't know what to expect.

But.

I didn't expect a someone who actively, consciously continues to choose me.

I didn't expect a someone who comes over after midnight just to hug me because my day defeated me.

I didn't expect a someone to laugh with my not-so-littles and play board games and watch the movies they couldn't believe he hadn't seen.

I didn't expect a someone who enjoys me so completely, glitter, quirks, and all the kristin-ness.

I didn't expect a someone who kept me company at 2 am while I stood barefoot in the kitchen sink, painting the wall, and singing along with the music.

I didn't expect a someone who thanked me for showing him that painting barefoot at 2 am is sometimes the very rightest thing to do.

I didn't expect to fall quite so completely for an intense, singing, burping someone.

And I certainly didn't expect Llamas with Hats, Archer, and Charlie the Unicorn.

the list

3 years ago I wrote a post that ended in a list.  It was a very different time, i was in a different place.
As different as I was,  the list was timeless. It always had been, and always will be, a list of little important things.

A list of little things I want.
A list of little things that I know I need.

Every so often I pull it out.
Remind myself of the important things, you know?

Shall we take a look?


I want smiles and laughter.
- Yep. Check.

I want someone who doesn't mind messes.
- Doesn't mind my messes at all. Even helps me clean them up.

I want him to smile and pull me close when I put my cold feet on his.
- Even in his sleep.

I want him take one look at me and know how I’m doing. Instantly. And try to make it better, even just a little bit.
- He's figuring it out, what makes it better.

I want to admire him.  I want to tell him, “I hope my son grows up to be like you”
- he's a good guy.  A really good guy.

I want him to make my heart sing.
- every time.

I want him to sing to me and tell me stories. I miss stories.
- lots of singing. lots. and he's not a tenor.

I want him to know he adds to the happiness in my heart, but is not my only happiness.
- he knows.

I want him to understand my hurts, accept them and help heal them.
- he does.

I want him to be my friend first.
- we were friends 20+ years ago. And we are again.

I want him to understand how important family is to me and to feel the same way.
- he understands.

I want one day to realize that this guy, this great friend, means more to me than I thought.
- it didn't happen in one day. Or all at once. But it happened. Continues to happen.

And I want him to feel the same way.
I want it to hit him like a ton of bricks.
And have the courage to tell me.
- it was a good day, the tell-me day.

a very good day.

hugs

One day I hope you find someone who will hug you so fiercely all your pieces will fit back together.

Inside that hug, you'll be a whole person, complete and able to breathe.

One day I hope you find someone who will hug you so gently that you melt enough for your pieces to stick back together, for a little while.

For that little while, you'll be a whole person,  complete and able to breathe.

And one day,  if you're very lucky, I hope you find someone who will hug you so perfectly that you forget you were broken, so beautifully mended your pieces will be.

Only then you will realize you were always a whole person, complete and able to breathe.

drifting between dreaming and awake

Gently, quietly.
the softest touch of a warm blanket
 sliding over my skin to settle on my shoulders.

too sleepy to swim back to the place where my eyes will open,
words about opening a window tumble out.
Because, rain.

Surprise.
Because, always cold.

I insist.
Because, rain.

A sigh of happiness.
The sound of a window sliding open
and the scent of fresh spring rain.

A moment of stillness as the peaceful sounds of falling rain fill the air
as i drift between dreaming and awake.

Another contented sigh
and sounds of settling.

No extra thoughts.
No stray worries.
Just the music of the rain,
the warmth of blankets,
and the slight sound of sleepy breathing.

Time to drift into dreaming.

Flowers in February

Valentine's day is not my favorite.

Actually, it annoys the crap out of me.
The idea that February 14th is the only day to celebrate love and kindness, to give little (or not so little) gifts to the loves on your life, is just plain dumb.

I had to go to the store tonight.
We went thru the valentine's section.
 It was full of tired people.
 And children. Children everywhere.
Tired children.

The Littles and I got what we needed and left. Driving home, cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, I was thinking.

Why do I have such an aversion to this day?
It makes no sense.
I am genuinely happy.
I have no jealously towards those that are madly in love, forever in love, newly in love, or comfortably in love.
Hard to belive, but it's true.

Sometimes I will have a someone.
While I have a someone, I will enjoy every moment.
Sometimes I will not have a someone.
While I am alone, I will appreciate every moment.

I've come to the conclusion that even as too-much as I am, there are good guys out there that enjoy spending time with me, at least for a while.

So I truly don't envy or begrudge the valentines their romance.

So then, why do I dislike this holiday?

It's the flowers.
I love cut flowers.
I do not buy myself cut flowers.
That's a bit out of the budget.

In the summer, there is always a mason jar full of whatever is blooming somewhere in the house.

But it's February.
The stores are full of cut flowers.
Flowers that serve no other purpose than to be admired and enjoyed.
No practical reason.
Frivolous.

I miss them.
Frivolous flowers, with their short life span and inpracticality.

That is why Valentine's day is not my favorite.
Because
I miss
flowers in February.



Post script: my mom showed up at my house with a pot of blooming tulips while I was writing this.

Because she remembered I like flowers.

I need a new plan

I need a new plan.

I am not where I was.

Well, of course you’re not where you were. Duh.

*sigh*
fine.

I am not where I expected to be.

It’s like I took a giant leap forward. 

Sort of. 

I can divide my life into three broad facets. 

Work, Family, and Personal.
A massive simplification, I know,
but sometimes broad strokes are best.

I took a giant leap forward in my work life.
In November I was promoted to Supervisor.

Woot. Yay. Awesome.
Goal met. Check it off the list.

Here’s the catch.
In my master plan,
the hidden checklist in my brain,
I wasn’t supposed to be here for another year or so.

So, here I am, treading water again.

Not sure which way I want to go. No hint of what I want the future to look like.

The difference between now and the last time I was treading water is that the water isn’t deep. I’m not flailing about completely lost in all three areas.

Family.
Pretty darn solid. Both the family I was born into, and the family I share no genetic material with.

This summer I was having a conversation with my mom, and she said something that has totally stuck with me. I really don’t remember much, except for one comment she made. “I realized you didn’t not call on purpose, you just don’t think about calling. It’s not that you don’t want to talk to me, because when I call, you’ll happily talk. You just don’t think about calling.”

It had never occurred to me that anyone would think that I was purposely avoiding talking to them on the phone. Ever. I don’t chat. Or make small talk. I suck at it. Completely. I know this. I don’t like small talk or chatting. Awkward. So why on earth would I call anyone unless I had a question I needed answered?

I had hurt someone I cared about by just being me. And they hadn’t told me.  I filed away the experience. Now aware that someone could be hurt by me just being me.
I was very happy she had figured out it wasn’t intentional.

I’ve made a point to be pretty genuine in the last year. For a while I was working in a position where I didn’t have the energy to put a mask on and pretend that I was okay, that work was only a little stressful.

I remember I came home from work and my dad was working on something outside. I went out to check in, and let him know I was home, and I felt like he finally saw me. Saw how much stress I was under at work. How little energy I had left when I got home. Nothing left for mopping floors and scrubbing sinks. I don’t know what changed exactly, or how, but I got the impression that the mess and dirty floors finally made sense. I wasn’t avoiding it, I just didn’t have anything left.

My sister continues to listen to my random things. I know that sometimes she doesn’t agree or see the point, but she does listen, and she knows I’ve thought about consequences of anything I decide to do.  And I know that she has valid points, and I do listen. We sometimes do not agree, but we both know that different things have different importance to us.

When I was floundering about trying not to drown last time, my family was just as bewildered as I was, and it was hard to find common ground.

My soul-sibs have always been there, and always will, that’s why they’re the siblings-of-my-heart.
Unfailing support
always.

So, solid on the family.

Personal life.

Well.

Hmm....yeah.

I had a someone. A someone whom I did love, 80ish % of the time.
As things went on, I realized that what I wanted when we began was very different than what I want now.
I am thankful for that someone, for without him, I would not have learned more about what I want, and what I don’t.

So, we acknowledged that we want different things and went our different ways.

Getting used to not having a someone to curl up with on the couch, a someone who to take me out for breakfast, was hard.  Not as hard as I thought it would be, but certainly not easy.  I’m content when it's just me and mine.

I like being loved. I like loving.

But I don’t need it.

I don’t expect it to last.
I’ve learned to enjoy every single moment of the joy, the happiness, the butterflies.
I’ve learned that the joy of finding a someone is worth the heartache of letting them go.
I’ve learned to cherish every moment, to not take anything for granted. For as long, or as short, as it lasts.

I don’t need to be loved by a someone.
I don’t need someone to curl up with.

I do cherish every moment that I get to spend curled on a couch with a someone.

I’m a difficult, complicated, confusing person to be with.
I know this.
So, I enjoy every moment while it lasts.
I accept when it’s done.

I don’t like it, but I know that as long as I’ve been myself, as long as I’ve been honest, I’ve done everything I can do.

Sucks, hurts, and
I wish it were different,
but
I know I’m complicated.

I know I’m a lot.

I know I’m too much.

So, personal life? I’m pretty grounded, I’ve accepted who I am.  I sometimes wish there was a someone, but I can’t force it and I’m not looking. Love will find me when it finds me, and I will enjoy it while it lasts.

In short, instead of floundering about, lost in a sea of every facet of my life, there’s just the one. work.
I can totally deal with no direction in only one of those areas.

Compared to where I was it’s totally cake.

oh, 

My Littles?
They are thriving.
They are all that they have always been.
Everything I do, all my choices, everything, is based on how it effects them.

My eldest is in high school now.

Do you remember high school?

It’s been 20 years, but it sure sounds similar.
Heartache.
Happiness.
Stupid Boys.

I laugh sometimes.
Because

even twenty years later,

Boys are still stupid.