it may snow on christmas

It’s almost Christmas.
Three more sleeps until Christmas.
Nine more days in this year.

Two days ago I closed my show.
My body decided since the show was closed it was okay to shut down and attempt to repare the neglect and abuses it’s tolerated for the past 2 months. Unfortunately I don’t have time to be sick. It’s only three more sleeps until Christmas, and I’m still working a 40 hour week at my day job.

Driving home tonight, slogging through the rain, all I could think about was how close Christmas is. How my lights aren’t up on the house and the tree isn’t decorated and how all the seasonal décor is still in festive green and red tubs.

The holidays aren’t easy for me. Haven’t been for a while. Life just seems to throw lemons at me in December.

This is not new news, it is just how it is. I’m used to it at this point. This season is actually not nearly as hard as the last few have been.

I’m not where I was.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m not where I was.

Physically, I live in my almost perfect farmhouse. My almost perfect farmhouse. W’re learning each other’s quirks, and we’re falling in love.  Smitten.  Head-over-heels in love.

Mentally, I know where I am, I know where I want to be going, and I know what’s important to me.  I used to walk into a room and hope nobody noticed me. Now, I don’t give a damn if they notice, because it doesn’t matter.

Emotionally, I’m here. Here. Present. Experiencing life. Choosing to see the smiles and feel the hugs and ignore the dirty dishes and life piled everywhere.
 Tonight I walked in the door, exhausted, headachey, and freezing.  I opened the door and was floored by the waves of love that met me.

They decorated the tree.

I had told them they could, but didn’t really expect them to actually do it.  They were happy, cheerful, smiling, and they had decorated the tree.

And it is beautiful.
 This has been quite the year. Not as many tears this year. More smiles and laughing.
Which is good, very good.
And scary, so scary.

See, I don’t want a forever-someone. But, just because I don’t want  a forever someone doesn’t mean I need to hide my heart from someone who makes me happy now.

So.
I have a person.
I didn’t intend to have a person.
I really didn’t want a person.
I’ve tried my best to be as brutally honest as possible.

Yet, I still have a person.

A person I like.
A lot.
Some days I love him.

Not everyday.
Just some days.
 More importantly,
most significantly,
I realized that it’s okay to let him love me.
regardless of how I feel, it's okay to let him love me.

Simple, no strings, no long term plans.

Just enjoying life until it doesn’t work anymore.

Yes, it’s gonna hurt when it’s done.
 But I’m happy.
Happier than I’ve been for a while.

and my phone says it might be snow on Friday.

IT MIGHT SNOW ON CHRISTMAS.