a bit of a rant

I’m done.

Done.

For the last two years, I've been constantly defending my choices.  Constantly explaining why I made that choice. Any choice.  Every choice.

So, I'm done.

Done.

This is what I want.

I want my littles to be prepared for whatever life is going to throw at them.

I want them to be happy.

and I want to be happy.

Period.

Every choice I make, I make with those goals in mind. In that order. Those goals are always on my mind. Always. I am not capable of making choices without thinking about the effects on those goals. I am not capable of making choices that lead away from those goals.

I CANNOT do it. I spend days, weeks, months examining every option and how it affects me and mine.  I am not capable of making a poor choice. I can't. I've been on the verge of making choices that were...very, very poor choices, but would've been so very, very gratifying. I couldn’t do it, every time. I cannot knowingly hurt those I care about. 

I don’t care if you agree with those choices. 

I don’t care if you understand those choices.

and I certainly don’t care what choices you would make for me.

I am not you.  I am me, and I am not impulsive.  If a choice feels rushed, it is because I don’t share, not because I am jumping without looking.  No one is going to push me into making a decision before I'm ready.  No one. I can be stubborn. I will do things when I decide to. When I decide to.

One more thing:

I'm not settling. I'm not picking "good enough."  I don’t want a forever. This isn't just something I am telling myself.  This is a truth I feel so deeply I cannot express it.

I have exactly what I want.

exactly. 

what. 

i. 

want.

Honestly.  

I don’t want more.

I’m happy as things are.

If I weren't happy, it wouldn't be worth my time and energy. Between the littles, the animals, the house and the full time job, there isn't a whole lot of time or energy left at the end of the day.  I wouldn't waste it on something that I didn't enjoy.  I like talking about him. I'll happily tell you about him. 

But I’m done defending our friendship.

Done.  

I'm done explaining it.

Done. 

My littles understand it.  

No one else needs to.