saying goodbye

Today was horrid.

I woke up instinctively knowing it would be, but not really knowing why. Got the kids out the door and went back to bed, actively avoiding the day.

No, no one died.  

Today I started applying for jobs.

Real, non-theater jobs. Full time jobs.

Jobs in hospitals, banks, offices, and call centers.

Jobs other people would consider careers.

Not me.

Today I took the first steps towards letting go of my career to have a job.

Why?

Because “real” job + kids doesn't leave enough time for me to stage manage.

 and there isn't enough stage management work in my area to pay the bills.

period.

Today I let go of a career that fits me perfectly and truly brings me joy.

Don’t, please.

Don’t tell me it’s not letting go, it’s just putting it on hold

because right here, right now, it feels the same.

I’m walking away from something I love with all my heart.

Willingly walking away.

I spent a good part of the day crying.

All kinds of crying.

tears slowly tracing paths down my face

all out sobbing.  

Grieving the loss of a love.

Everything changes when I get a job.

And I have to be okay with that. 

Every decision I make for the next eight years won't be about me, it’ll be about them.

My three littles.

except they’re not so little anymore

more like half-grown humans.

My happiness takes second place to what’s best for them and that is going to continue to until they graduate high school.

  

I wanted them.

I love them.

This is as is should be.

I know this.

I want this.

I would chose nothing different.

Doesn't change the hurt.

Doesn't diminish the devastating sense of loss.

so. 

goodbye.

goodbye first rehearsals and closing performances

goodbye production meetings and late actors

goodbye quiet theatres and noisy dressing rooms

goodbye piano tech and final dress

goodbye standby 

and 

goodbye GO.

goodbye my love.

don't worry, I will not be miserable.
It’s not in my nature.

I will find my own little happinesses.

There are good things in my life right now.

There will be good things in the future.

There has to be.

See, I’ve noticed that my littles are happier when I’m happy.

They smile more when I smile more.

I've been smiling more recently.

So, I plan to be happy, as far as anyone can plan these things.

I’ll find some happiness somewhere in the daily drudge of routine and sameness.  

I don’t know what comes next.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I do know that today, given all the options I could see, this is the right choice.

It’s time to knock on all the doors and see which windows open.

There’s a tiny kernel of hope in my heart that I’ll magically find a job that works in such a way that it allows me to continue doing what I love.

A tiny kernel.

Teeny-tiny.