muchness

Somewhere along the way I lost my muchness. I’m not sure when or where it happened.  Sometime in the last year, for sure. I forgot that muchness is important.

I forgot.

I forgot that my pay-the-bills job was never intended to be a career.  I never ever wanted to be working there for decades. I never wanted to live inside corporate America.

I forgot.

So intent on proving that I could make it on my own, I forgot to look up.  Too tired to see that my yard was a mess and that I couldn’t remember the last meal I enjoyed making.  My littles are growing up right in front of my eyes. I swear, I blink and they’re older, wiser, taller.   I don’t wanna miss anything else. I don’t want to be too tired to live in the now and enjoy when they want to share space with me and tell me all about everything.

I wish I could say I made the decision to make a change. I can't.  Sometimes you need a push to drop you onto the right path.

I was pushed. Gently dropped into a crossroads of choices and change.

So, I decided.

As soon as I made my decision, everything felt lighter. The crushing weight was gone. Poof. Evaporated away.

My pay-the-bills job is back to being just that. Simply a pay-the-bills job.

Not a career.

No jumping departments to advance. 

Six different positions in 3 years was plenty.  I’m finishing up the training this week, then it’s back to being on the front line.  I’m hopeful that within 6 months I’ll be in a position to see if there’s any stage managing work in town for me.

Because THAT’S my career.  That’s what I want to do for the rest of forever. Stage managing.

I miss it. The people, the intense relationships that form over a span of a couple of months, the overwhelming pride at watching a production go from read-thru to closing night.

I do miss it. so much.

I recently went to see a production here in town.  I’d worked with a couple of the actors before, and it was great to see them perform again. I wish I was better about spending time with the people I enjoy. But, I digress.  Walking out after the show, realizing exactly how much I miss that world, there was a wistful sadness about it.  I want to get back to being a part of that world. I will get back to being a part of that world.

In the last 4 weeks I’ve had multiple coworkers comment on the change in my attitude, how much happier I seem.  How even my choice of clothing has changed and seems more Kristin-y. 

I realized that I had been so concerned about how I was being perceived by everyone that I couldn’t be myself.

I couldn’t laugh and joke with everyone.

I felt like I couldn’t be friends with people I’ve worked with and spent so much time with, for fear of what someone might think.

Now? 

I don’t need to be a role model for anyone other than my kids.  I don't need to fit anyone else's idea of what I should be like. My job isn’t dependent on the opinion of others.

We all know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, that I'm generally thought to be unapproachable and scary. 

I no longer have to moderate my behavior to make sure that everyone likes me.  

I can just be me. Sarcastic, awkward, bluntly honest, and quirky.

So, yeah. Work life has taken an unexpected turn. I’m happy at work. I don’t dread the morning. Finances will be a bit tight for a bit, but not forever.

What else?  Hmm. 

I got to spend time with a few of my favorite people last month.  They had helped me find my way thru some terrible times in the past. It was beyond awesome to spend time with them now that I am truly content with myself and very much in a good place.

I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how they carved a bit of time out for me.

Thank you, with all my heart. Thank you.

Oh!

I’m very much smitten with one of my dearest friends.

I’ve sat here staring at the cursor trying to figure out how to sum up that part of my life, and I don’t think I can.  

So, I’ll simply say that I am happy.  

I’ve found my muchness, hidden in the quiet smile and easy laughter of a brown-eyed boy I knew I’d fall hard for when we were both much younger than we are now.  

I am ever so grateful that 20 years later, both of us a bit bruised, we found ourselves where we are.

I will always be grateful that the sister-of-my-heart meddled, helping the stars to align, knowing it was time for us to find each other again.

So, there's my update.  I don't plan on losing my muchness again, changing into someone I hardly knew. I'm hanging on to my muchness, reveling in the bits that make me me.