and this is good

It’s been quite the month. 

I didn't realize how much has happened in the last month until I was sitting at the bar grinning at one of my closest friends, trying to figure where to start.  She and I hadn’t talked in a month.   I really didn’t know where to start. 

And I was grinning.
ear to ear, my face hurt, grinning.
So many good things.

Remember a while back when I said I was done treading water?  Well, I just started swimming.  I didn’t consciously pick a direction.  I just moved.

I decided I wasn’t going to worry about what people thought.  No one knows what you’re thinking unless you tell them.  You can hint, but really, being blunt and honest is so much clearer. Harder, but so much clearer.

Twenty seconds of brave, that’s all you need.
With today’s technology you can be brave, hit send, and wait for the fallout. So much easier than being brave in person. 

‘Cause rejection so totally blows.

I stopped playing games.  I don’t have time for that shit. Time passes too quickly to be caught up in the viscous cycle of “did they get my hints?" - or - "oh, that kinda really hurt.”

fuck that.

I’m done.  I know how fleeting time is. I know that there may not be a next time.

So, I’m gonna tell you how I feel.
If I want to shut the door and kiss you, I’m gonna tell you. 

(yes, I did actually send a text with those words. No, there was no kissing.

But hey, no games. He knew I was interested. He just wasn't.)

 Six months ago I wouldn't have. Six months ago I would have pretended I had no feelings and walked away shy, scared, and numb.

Today I know that this may be the only chance I have to make my feelings known.  So I’d better make them known.

Anyway, back to the bar.

We sat at the bar, and I liked it.

All the tables were full, so we really didn't have a choice, but instead of dreading being in the center of the room where everyone could see me, I sat right down and grinned.  I spent all night watching people watch us.  I didn't think we are particularly notice-worthy, but people were watching us. It was awesome.

I didn't order my usual whiskey.  I wanted to try something new. So I ordered something new. When they were out of it, I asked the bartender to pick something.  He did, and I liked it.

We sat there for over three hours, eating, drinking and talking.  We even had dessert and coffee. 

SO MUCH had happened.

I’d told different people bits and pieces, but to sit down and try to explain not only what had happened, but how it had happened, the order in which it happened, and my thinking behind my actions, that was difficult.

Luckily, she’s used to my jumping from topic to topic and kept up pretty well.

I was amazed at what I was describing.

I was not describing things I would have done a year ago.

I remember the look on her face when I described how I had….just…laid it all out there for this particular puzzle piece of happiness to accept or reject.   

“Who does that?” was the look and feeling.
Obviously, Kristin does that.

‘Cause what do I have to lose?  Nothing.

Good things have happened in every facet of my life.

Every.
Single.
One.
 
A month ago I couldn't see past the next week.  Now, now I have a pretty good sense of where my life will be in June. I can see to June.

I

can

see

to

June.

June.

June is eight months from now. 
In June, many happenings will happen, and things will change.
I know that.
I’m okay with that.

Happenings will happen before June, both anticipated and not.

When they happen, I’ll do what I feel is right. 
I’ll think about the options, analyze the consequences of my decision, ask for opinions.
Then I’ll do what feels right.

This month, I did what felt right.

I broke my own rules.

I sent texts after whisky.

lots of whisky.

seriously, copious amounts of whisky

Because it felt right.
was right.
is right.


I am happy and that is terrifying.

One of the lessons I've learned this past year has been how to accept the shit that life threw at me.
continually threw at me.
continues to throw at me.

I found myself  handling challenges with a grace I didn't know I had. Leaning on friends more than I wanted to.

I learned how to accept what best for me and mine, regardless of my feelings.
I learned to ask for help when I needed it.
I learned to graciously accept help when I couldn't do it alone.
I learned to look past my own little hurts to the big picture. 
I learned to decide what was worth my emotions and what was not.
I learned to determine what really didn't change anything, so why fight it.

Lessons learned.

But these new lessons? These are hard.

Obviously, or I wouldn't need to learn them.

Accept the good with grace, don’t question it, just accept and enjoy it while it lasts.

Accept that I am worth waiting for.

Accept that people want to help. 

Accept that patience is necessary.

I hate this lesson.

I am not a patient woman.

Never have been. 

Obviously, patience is something I need to work on.
I am learning. I can maintain an exterior of calm acceptance and patience. 

Inside I’m stomping my foot and demanding that I get what I've been promised, now.

Now. Not later. Now.

I’m learning to breathe, smile, and enjoy the waiting.

These are hard lessons to learn. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I don’t know how long I get to be happy. I’m learning to enjoy being happy and not question why, or wonder when it’s going to end. I'm learning not to fear the tragedy that will come tomorrow and smash my happiness to smithereens.

I’m trying, really trying.

Long story short, I’m happy.  

Happier than I've been in a hell-a-long-time.

Right now, every facet of my life has some happiness in it.

I’m enjoying it while it lasts, not dreading the end, or waiting for the knife in the dark.

And this is good.