Compliments are nice. I like it when someone complements
me.
Makes me smile on the inside.
I do have a hard time believing them.
I’m learning to listen to the words and not
brush them aside.
I’m working on saying “Thank you” and not dismissing it as
untruth.
I like giving complements.
It’s me saying hey, I noticed this, and I liked it. Much more direct that staring and
drooling. I like direct.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore looking at
attractive people.
Personally, I’m a
collarbone and shoulder girl.
And messy hair
And scruffy, haven’t-shaved-in-a
few-days faces.
sigh.
Yup.
Wow, kinda a tangent there.
Okay. Where was I?
Compliments.
Yes.
When I’m done staring, or sometimes mid-stare, if I know them, I’m
most likely going to tell them what I like about them.
I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m not going to change anything about myself
to suit someone else. I am who I am. I’m
not afraid to show that person to the world. I respectfully don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I’m
not going to waste time hiding my personality just so someone I find attractive
will want to spend time with me. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t want to be. I just want to be me and I want to spend time
with people who like spending time with me.
Self-confidence is such a complex thing.
There are some situations and areas that I am
completely self-confident and happy with myself. I have a ton of self confidence in my
professional life, in my ability to parent, in my appearance. I figure that if I like how I look before I
head out the door, than who cares if anyone else does. Where my confidence starts to falter is in social
situations. I have a hard time believing
that people like being around me and would seek out my company. Regardless of
how many times it is repeatedly beat into my head, I just don’t have a lot of experience
being social, so there’s not a lot of confidence there. The confidence is growing, every time I do
something new that doesn’t kill me.
Inviting people out to my house: I realized that I really didn’t care if two
people or twenty came. I didn't care if there was dust everywhere. My house was clean-ish, the bathrooms clean. I was going to relax and enjoy whoever came, because
they wanted to be here, at my house, with me. If no one came, well then,
their loss, and I’d eat all the marshmallows.
I am not defined by the people
around me. It’s not high school.
Last weekend I went out after one of the shows to a
new-to-me, ridiculously loud place with a bunch of the cast (their average age
was probably 22). I sat in my corner,
clutching my whiskey and chatting with my two “safe” people who came with me. I
talked to others and I didn’t sound like an idiot. It didn’t kill me. I don’t care if people think I’m being
antisocial sitting in the corner quietly watching all the inebriated people act
like idiots. I know I’m not being
antisocial.
If someone wants to talk to me, they’ll talk to me. If I want to talk to someone, I’ll talk to
them.
Simple things, but both require a confidence that
doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m super
proud of myself for both events. I’m
also uber happy that the next night, when I didn’t want to go back to the loud
place with the 20-somethings, I said so, and friends opted to go somewhere
quiet with me. They had a choice of two
options, and regardless of the reason, some chose to go with me. If this small group of friends who are mostly aware of all
my quirks, likes me, then eventually I’ll meet someone who likes me enough to want
to spend time with just me.
Eventually.
Until then I’ll keep pushing my limits, growing as a person
and giving and accepting honest compliments.
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