Fly On My Wall - dammit man

Damn it man.
Ruined.
Spoiled.
Jaded.
And it's all your fault.

I've seen what a good man can be.
Should be.
And it's all your fault.

I find myself comparing them all to the standard you've set.
The standard you've shown me.

You're not even mine.
Never have been.

Mine own friend? Yes.
Mine own love? No.

So how the hell am I supposed to find someone like you?

Not saying you're perfect.
Far from it.

Just saying you're a good guy.

You can't be the only one.

I want one.

compliments and self-confidence

Compliments are nice. I like it when someone complements me.

Makes me smile on the inside.  

I do have a hard time believing them.

I’m learning to listen to the words and not brush them aside.

I’m working on saying “Thank you” and not dismissing it as untruth.

I like giving complements.  It’s me saying hey, I noticed this, and I liked it.  Much more direct that staring and drooling.  I like direct.  

Don’t get me wrong, I adore looking at attractive people.  

Personally, I’m a collarbone and shoulder girl. 

And messy hair 

And scruffy, haven’t-shaved-in-a few-days faces.  

sigh.

Yup.

Wow, kinda a tangent there.  Okay. Where was I?

Compliments.

Yes.

When I’m done staring, or sometimes mid-stare, if I know them, I’m most likely going to tell them what I like about them. 

I’m not trying to impress anyone.  I’m not going to change anything about myself to suit someone else. I am who I am.  I’m not afraid to show that person to the world.  I respectfully don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I’m not going to waste time hiding my personality just so someone I find attractive will want to spend time with me.  I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.   I don’t want to be.  I just want to be me and I want to spend time with people who like spending time with me.  

Self-confidence is such a complex thing.

There are some situations and areas that I am completely self-confident and happy with myself.  I have a ton of self confidence in my professional life, in my ability to parent, in my appearance.  I figure that if I like how I look before I head out the door, than who cares if anyone else does.  Where my confidence starts to falter is in social situations.  I have a hard time believing that people like being around me and would seek out my company. Regardless of how many times it is repeatedly beat into my head, I just don’t have a lot of experience being social, so there’s not a lot of confidence there.  The confidence is growing, every time I do something new that doesn’t kill me.

Inviting people out to my house:  I realized that I really didn’t care if two people or twenty came. I didn't care if there was dust everywhere.  My house was clean-ish, the bathrooms clean.  I was going to relax and enjoy whoever came, because they wanted to be here, at my house, with me. If no one came, well then, their loss, and I’d eat all the marshmallows.

I am not defined by the people around me.  It’s not high school.

Last weekend I went out after one of the shows to a new-to-me, ridiculously loud place with a bunch of the cast (their average age was probably 22).  I sat in my corner, clutching my whiskey and chatting with my two “safe” people who came with me. I talked to others and I didn’t sound like an idiot. It didn’t kill me.  I don’t care if people think I’m being antisocial sitting in the corner quietly watching all the inebriated people act like idiots. I know I’m not being antisocial.

If someone wants to talk to me, they’ll talk to me.  If I want to talk to someone, I’ll talk to them.

Simple things, but both require a confidence that doesn’t come naturally to me.  I’m super proud of myself for both events.  I’m also uber happy that the next night, when I didn’t want to go back to the loud place with the 20-somethings, I said so, and friends opted to go somewhere quiet with me.  They had a choice of two options, and regardless of the reason, some chose to go with me. If this small group of friends who are mostly aware of all my quirks, likes me, then eventually I’ll meet someone who likes me enough to want to spend time with just me.

Eventually. 

Until then I’ll keep pushing my limits, growing as a person and giving and accepting honest compliments.

Fly On My Wall - tech week dreams

Inevitably I dream about the show I'm working on during tech.

One show I dreamt a set piece dropped on two of my favorite actors, killing them.  I wouldn't stop the show (intermission was only ten minutes away.)

Earlier this week I dreamt I lost an actor. Seriously. She disappeared. Gone.


Last night I found myself sitting in the almost empty theater, moonlight streaming in through an unshuttered window. The stage was a mess. Half finished wagons, masking flats, benches and tents strewn about.

Standing at the edge of the stage were the three people who know me better than anyone else alive. These three people have never been in the same room at the same time, and I'd like to keep it that way.

They were arguing.  Arguing about the best way to get the beast of a scene change done. Especially when the set wasn't even finished.

As I sat there dumbfounded they continued to disagree about the order in which to move the pieces.

One of them noticed me and left the argument to come sit next to me. They informed me that the actress had been found, she'd been stuck in a time vortex between the interior and exterior sides of the door. They'd closed the vortex so no one else would get lost.  She'd be fine, but I'd need to keep an eye on her.

We sat in silence together watching the other two do the scene change. When it was complete they smiled and vanished.

Next to me, I heard, "You got this, and I'm too busy for this nonsense."

When I started to protest that I didn't ask for help they just handed me my sweater, drank the last of my coffee, reminded me to cover my tattoos and walked away.

Seriously subconscious? What the...?

so many words.

It’s been a big week for me. So much talking, I've used up my verb allotment for the week.  I'm down to half completed sentences full of pronouns and gestures.

Conversations with my former husband about the future.  

Good, open conversations. 

Conversations with my eldest about boyfriends, swearing, smoking, and that fluttery feeling in your chest when that boy smiles at you.  

A parenting win.

Conversations where I struggle to find the exactly right words, to be honest and trusting that it is the right time to say them. 

I found my words. I said them. 

AND

The biggest part of the week –

I invited THE ENTIRE cast and crew of the production I’m currently working on TO MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSE.

Anyone who knows me knows how huge this is. First time I've hosted a non-family event by myself.

All those people will know where I live.  I’m sharing my peaceful bit of heaven.  With EVERYONE. 

Pre-tech.  Yep, that's right, I’m hosting a shin-dig at my house the evening of LOAD-IN. This weekend.

Will my house be perfectly clean? 

     Hell no, I’ve been in rehearsals for two weeks and I live with three kids, two large, white dogs, a cat and a couple dozen chickens on an acre of dirt, dust and grass.

Will I masterfully prepare a smorgasbord of delectable treats?  

    Hell no, I’ll barbeque hot dogs. Cheap and easy.

But – I have a fire-pit, marshmellows, ice cream, and a relaxing evening with anyone who's curious enough to drive all the way out here before the chaos of tech starts.

A big week indeed.

my not-prince

I don’t want a prince charming. 

I am not a princess.

I will not be set on a pedestal and protected from the world.

I don’t want to be in a tower, watching the battle below.

I will be on the ground.  In the dirt.

Sweat and tears staining my face.

Side by side with my not-prince.

Wielding swords and blocking blows.

Battling the dragons together.  

No tiaras, crowns or gilt.  

No simpering, fawning fool.

No knight in shining armor.

Don’t blind me with your goodness.

I want dirty, dented, battered armor.

Bloody, beaten, bruised. 

My armor is battered and beaten.

My life is written in every scratch and dent.

And I’m damn proud of the dents.

I need no one.

I will wait for no one.

I venture forward alone, surrounded my friends and family.

My journey goes forward, my adventure continues.

Who knows who I’ll find walking in the dust around the next hill.