Explaining Relationships

We want our kids grow up with a firm sense of how healthy relationships develop.

After much talking, much thinking; we came up with the following steps – Remember, the kids are 8, 10 and 11 – so our conversations with all of them need to be at a level they all can understand.

Step one – be friends. Maybe you work with them; maybe they’re a friend of a friend.  But you meet and say “hey, this is a neat person! We have fun together”

Step two – realize that you really like this friend, a whole lot. Hanging out with them makes you happy.  You have lots in common, and you’re filled with happiness whenever you think about them.  You want to spend as much time as possible with them.

Step three – talk with your friend.  Be brave enough to find out if they feel the same way.

Step four – Together – “Boyfriend and girlfriend.” You both really like each other.  You love them.  A lot. Now, you spend more time talking, spend more time together, talking about the future, about what’s important. Meet each other’s families.  You hold hands, kiss and like being near each other.

Step five – Partners.  Decide that you want to spend the foreseeable future together.  You can’t imagine your world without them.

From this point there are choices - Different choices are best for different people.

Some couples decide to be partners, but don't think now is the right time to get married.

Some decide that marriage is the best way to start a partnership.

Either way is okay and right.

Some Partners decide to have kids before getting married.  Some decide to get married and then have kids, and some partners choose not to have kids at all.

All are okay, everyone's situation is different.  There's not a blanket rule for everybody.

Sharing a bedroom

Now, grownups sharing a bedroom is a big thing.  Grownups don’t generally share bedrooms until they've reached “Partners.”

Mommy and Daddy don’t share a bedroom anymore because we’re not partners – we’re best friends and co-parents, but not partners. Sharing a bedroom is a big commitment and not something that grownups do lightly.

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Prior to this conversation, I had a preliminary conversation with the oldest.  She’s aware that there’s more to sharing a bedroom than sleeping.  She knows the mechanics. 

“Yeah Mom, you’d have to really love someone to want to have sex with them”

I’m hanging on to that, because I know it’s only a matter of time before the hormones kick in and sex starts sounding appealing.

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Timelines

Timelines are different for everybody.  There’s no hard and fast rule about how long you spend at each stage. 

For example, Mommy.

More than likely, Mommy will spend a long time in the first step - Friends. And then a long time in the Together stage, before moving on to Partners.

Why?

Because currently, Mommy doesn't have any good guy friends that she’s known for a long time.  Good guy friends, yes. Guys she’s known  a long time, yes. But good guys that she’d known for a long time, not so much.

Healthy relationships don’t happen overnight. 

But - Sometimes. Just Sometimes - 

you have a friend you've known for years.

you realize that this friend, this great person, makes you happier than anything else.

And one day, the stars align, timing is perfect and you find 20 seconds of bravery and ask them if they might be interested in trying to being more than friends.

They are.

You do.

Since you’ve spent so much time as friends, you know them pretty darn well.

Really well.

You cut right to talking about the important stuff – the long term hopes and dreams, the daily challenges in your life.  You get to skip a lot.  You don’t have to spend a long time being “Together.”

You get to move straight on to Partners.

How awesome is that?

Totally lucky.

That’s why it doesn't happen that way very often, it’s pretty rare.

Josh and I are in the unique position of showing the kids how healthy relationships progress.

We don’t plan on introducing them to anyone, until we’re pretty well into the “Together” stage.

We don’t plan on sharing our bedrooms when they’re home, until we reach “Partners.”

We are both moving forward.

We want our children to be prepared.  We don’t want to surprise them.  Or force them to react.  We want them to know what to expect.

We want their honest answers and reactions.

When the kids and I talked about relationships, they had a few questions.  The oldest wanted to know if she’d have to give up her bedroom if I found a boyfriend.  Her logic was that we’d want to share a house so we could be together more, but not share a bedroom.  I assured her that no one would be moving in with us until we were ready to be “Partners” which means we’d share Mommy’s bedroom.  She was relieved.

The oldest is pretty perceptive.

I want her to know it’s okay to talk to me, ask me questions.  After our conversation, she asked if I had made any good friends at work.  I smiled, knowing what she was asking.

My answer?  Yes, I had become friends with a couple of guys at work, but we are only friends.  There’s isn’t a special friend right now.  She accepted that answer, and we moved on to some other subject.

That’s what I want.

I don’t want these conversations to feel like they’re “big deals” I want casual, normal conversations that don’t feel monumental.

Obviously there is much more to talk about, many more conversations to be had, but the foundation is there.  The basic moral structure - the values that we want to pass on to them - those are pretty clear.