Saving My Pennies

Back in August, I was talking with a friend.  She was telling me how she saves money for special things.  At the end of every day she opens her wallet and takes out any $5 bills and stashes them.  It adds up and she’s able to treat herself to special things.

I went home and thought about it.  While $5 is too much for me to stash, I often have $1 bills in my wallet at the end of the day.  I decided I would try her method and see if I could keep out of the stashed cash.

I did.  It worked.  Over the course of four months I stashed $1 every time there was one in my wallet and I remembered to look at the end of the day. I didn’t count it, just stuck it away.  

Last week I counted.

And I had to think.

Hard.

I had originally started putting the cash aside for a tattoo I wanted.  It has been such a crazy year, I had designed a bit of art to commemorate the events.

I was now torn.

Since I had started saving, things had changed.  Christmas wasn't looking so hot, things were tight.

Then good things started to happen.

I got a card in the mail from one of my favorite people.  With a check, to help with Christmas.  Inside she had written “I remember”  It touched me.  I know she had been where I was.

A dear family friend decided to purchase Santa gifts for the kids.  She had extra this season, and has loved our family for 8 years.

Being on the receiving end of help is hard.  Very hard.

I was still torn.

Then I got offered a job stage managing a holiday concert.  2 days of work.  It fit perfectly into my holiday schedule. And the fee will pay for Christmas.

My parents offered to help too, but since I got the Christmas concert, I won’t need it.

And because I don’t need it, I felt okay about using my saved cash for its original purpose. 

So, Sunday I went and got my art done.  It’s different from my other tattoos and I was nervous it wouldn't work, but I adore the art.

It turned out great.  totally wonderful.

I got one on my back and a small one on my wrist.  Doing them at the same time made so much for sense, the small one only took about 10 minutes, and I didn’t need to pay for the setup and equipment, since she was already using it on my back.

Wanna see?

The text around the rose is a quote from Alice - "it sounds uncommon nonsense"

I am happy.

Blankets, Fries and a Rainbow

Wow.  It’s been a totally crazy two weeks.

Lots and lots happening, busy with rehearsals for Camelot.

Lots of thinking time. commuting.

Not a whole lot of processing time, which explains the lack of posts.

Something coalesced last night/this morning and I think I can articulate how I’m doing.

Rewind back to 1998.

Believe it or not I spoke at my high school graduation.

In front of a billion people on stage I spoke into a microphone.  

(I know, totally hard to believe isn't it?)

I really don’t remember what I said, but I know I quoted one of my favorite songs as being very relevant to that time in my life.

The song is still one of my favorites. 

It’s by Green Day - "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

Totally relevant to a graduating high school. Right?

Okay, back to today.

This morning I woke up to my kids’ radios playing that song. As I lay there, cuddled in my cozy nest of pillows, blankets, and quilts, I listened.

And it clicked.

I was there again. Just past the fork in the road.

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time”

I survived the test.   I accepted the turning.

I just couldn’t see where it would lead. 

“It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life.”

I did. It was. Even knowing that we’d end up where we are today, I’d do it over again.

I enjoyed it all.  The good and the not so good.

For the last six months I've been going on the blind faith that if I just keep going I would get to a point where I could see further than a few months ahead.

I got there.

Late Friday night -  after rehearsal - I sat in my cold, dark car, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Long week.  Short sleep.

Then.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I looked up and there was a friend. Asking me to get a birthday drink with her. (Friday was my 34th birthday)

I agreed, swallowed the creeping darkness, and put a smile on.

An hour and half later I was back in my cold, dark car.

In a much better place.

I’d gotten a fancy-smancy drink, shared a plate of boring fries (I adore simple food), tasted a super peaty scotch (didn't adore it) and had a crème brulee (oh, yumm.)

The night wasn’t so dark.  The car wasn’t so cold.

I can do this.

I can see a future.  It’s still pretty darn foggy, but it’s there

and I have support to help me find my way in the fog.

I can entertain the idea that there might be someone who will fit perfectly into my life.

More importantly, I can entertain the idea of getting to know someone to see if they’ll fit into the very-specific keyhole in my heart.

My hope is that both Josh and I will find our Someones. 

They’ll both add to our family, because we are still a family.

It’s going to be difficult to find Someones who understand and enjoy being part of our family

Someones who are ready to accept the whole package. 

I will be ready to open my heart when he finds his someone.

He will be ready when I find mine.

I’m not saying I’m going to be out searching for my Someone.

Nope.

Not at all.

That’s totally not me.

I’m just open to the possibility that my Someone is out there somewhere

and if the timing is just right, we may find each other.

It’s the faintest rainbow on a rainy day.

But it’s there.

And I can see it.

Getting Lost

Have you ever gotten lost in someone’s eyes?

There you are having a completely normal conversation with someone you've talked with a hundred times, you make eye contact and completely lose all track of what you were saying?

like this:

There you are having a nice normal conversation and

 – BAM –

Out of nowhere you are suddenly think, “Blue.  His eyes are bl...”

Then you realize that you were talking and now you’re not

and he’s waiting patiently for you to finish your sentence.  

You have no idea how long you've been standing there, saying nothing and staring.

Suddenly your brain starts working again.

“oh shit.  I was talking.  What the heck was I talking about?”

You blink, time resumes, and you rack your brain to recall anything about the conversation.

All the while he’s just standing there, looking amused. 

You fumble for the words to finish the conversation.  As soon as possible you walk away and realize you have no idea what just happened, but hope he didn't notice that you just acted like a complete idiot.

Before you ask, No, this is not a recent occurrence.  Maybe I made it all up. Maybe I’m remembering something from a long time ago.  

Or maybe I saw it on tv. 

Maybe it belongs in that same daydream where Orlando Bloom is driving around the countryside, gets lost and pulls up to my house to ask for directions. We hit it off, get married and live happily ever after. 

I do like daydreams.