stop pretending

Maybe I'm impatient.
Wait, no.
I know I'm impatient.
I'm impatient and I dislike wasting time.

I have a finite amount of time here on this earth. 
Do I know how finite?  nope.
I don't like wasting my time on something that won't make me happy.

I don't see the point of pretending to be something I'm not.  Ever.

Job hunting.  I go into interviews intent on being the very best version of myself.  I'm going to do my darnedest to show the interviewer that I'd be great in the job.  It's up to the interviewer to decide who,  out of all the candidates, they think is best suited for the position. And that's okay by me.  I trust that they know more about the job than I do.  I trust that they'll pick who they think is best person. If I don't trust them to do what's best for the company,  do I really want to work for them? If I pretend to be something I'm not, and I get the job?  I'm stuck pretending for as long as I'm there. Most likely, I'm not going to enjoy it.  

People hunting. Same. I'm gonna be all kristin, all honest and blunt and awkward. Enjoy it. or not.  But I'm not pretending. I don't sport.  I'm not going to pretend to enjoy them just 'cause you're cute af. If sporting is that important to you,  I don't wanna waste my time falling for you, only to have you walk out later. That just sounds like a recipe for broken hearts and I have mine nicely stitched back together, thank you very much.  

So, stop.

Stop with all the oh-my-gawd-my-life-is-over-I-don't-have-a-person.
Stop with all the no-one-will-ever-love-me.
Stop with all the I-can't-believe-I-didn't-get-the-job.

Stop teaching our children that we can only be happy when someone else loves us.
Stop teaching them that the path to happiness cannot be traversed alone.
Stop teaching them that they have to pretend to be something they're not.

Teach them that their wants and desires are just as valid as everyone else's.
Teach them to stand on their own. And teach them that's okay.
Because it is.  

Totally.  
okay.

ten things september taught me

Goodbye September.  Hello October.

For a week now I've been trying to write a "what September taught me" post.  Thus far I've written four.  they all sucked. So, instead, a list. 

  - "There's how you break up with someone, and then the rest of the world"  My eldest, upon asking for advice on ending a relationship without hurting anyone.  MY ELDEST ASKED ME FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

 - "What do you do for fun?"  - Oh, hell.  Least favorite question ever. I don't know.  Well, now I do, but I didn't.  I gave up doing me things in order to take care of family things. It took me a while to figure out what I do that is fun.  So, I fix my house.  I garden.  I watch old sitcoms. I cuddle with my dog. Sometimes, I sew.  All these things are fun.

 - Appearance matters.  If you look around at where you want to be and see NO ONE with pink hair, glitter, or visible tattoos, you have to work twice as hard to present the look and attitude expected of where you want to be.  and it will most likely take twice as long to get to where you want to be.  But I'll be damned if I give up pink hair, glitter, and tattoos.

 - I don't miss being "with" somebody.  I miss having someone to text all the stupid little funnies that happen everyday.

  - I want adventures. I want laughter.  I want hikes with dogs and stars and coffee and painting.  I want someone to lead and someone who will follow.  I want cozy nights at home. I want someone who isn't impressed that I drink whiskey. I want forehead kisses and a clean kitchen.  Mostly, I want laughter. and adventure. Someone to remind me there's life outside my bubble.

 - New wifi password everyday = amazing increase amount of chores done willingly.

 - Single Kristin = increased whiskey consumption.

 - Tommy and I both need to get out more.  So. baby steps.  longer walks. everyday.

 - Sleep matters.  A regular sleep schedule makes every day a bit better.

 - Guys that blush.  yeah. I like those. 

adjusting focus

I've been going through all the things, trying to determine why I have so many things. Know what?  It's way easier to stash a thing it in the corner than to let it go. 

So, in an effort to make all my stuff fit into my 1400 sq ft house with no garage, I'm attempting to follow a trend by determining what brings me joy.  Those are the things I am focusing on. My dining room is currently FULL of every bit of crafting crap I own. 

Last night I grabbed a box of notions and bottle of Glenmorangie lasanta. 

Oh boy. 

That scotch sure brings me joy. Not because of any property of the alcohol.
But the taste. Exquisite. The warm sweet, smooth flavor of a good highland scotch.

I don't drink to get drunk. 
I don't generally drink to get tipsy.
Nine times out of ten I don't drink to push the feelings away.
Ten times out of ten I drink because it brings me joy.

I digress.

As I sorted though the box of notions and ribbons I discovered that some were very easy to set aside. Some were not. 
I love the old silk ribbon. 
What are the stories behind these bits?
Where had it been before I found it?
Was this all that was left after trimming a new dress half a century ago?
Did another woman caress the velvet and choose it for her hat? 

I know. Call me crazy.
Silk embroidery floss. Vintage velvet ribbon. Glass buttons. These bring me joy.
I shall keep them.

Next up is the fabric. I haven't really sewn anything since I moved over a year ago. Mostly because I have too much stuff, too many half done projects, too many things I started and didn't finish.

I like sewing. I like quilting. I like embroidery.  These things bring me joy. 

Time to get it sorted so I can do the things that bring me joy.
Time to make time for the things that bring me joy.
Time to make my house a home. The walls are still mostly bare. There are still things piled everywhere with no homes. Time to decide were the extra sheets will actually be stored. 

This year I have learned so much about myself.

I learned when to relax and have fun.
I learned to not discount my feelings.
I learned not to let important things slide.
I learned that my happiness is not dependent on anyone else's happiness. 
I learned that my Littles just want me to be happy. They smile when I am and worry when I'm not.

Most importantly, I believe these things. 
I don't second guess myself quite so much anymore. 
I discovered that I know I am beautiful. 
My 15-year old stretch marks, my not-so-perky-anymore-rather-small boobs, my I-had three-children hips, and my I-enjoyed-the-sunshine-as-a-child skin. 

I know I really am happier when I wear glitter.
I know I really am happier with pink hair.
I know I really am happier wearing black and grey and shades thereof.

I'm far from perfect. FAR. 
I really don't want to be perfect.
But, I have things about myself I would like improve.
I'd like to finish projects.
I'd like to not be so reclusive and to accept more invites to be social.

I'm working on making my house look the way I want it to.
I'm working on not so much clutter. 
I'm working on losing that last 6 pounds and gaining enough physical strength to spend the day working on the house without sore shaky muscles.

So, it's time to refocus. Time to meander down my path alone and see what's around the next curve.