Fly On My Wall - reasons for smiles ii

~~
smallest child: "I like hugging you right before you go out with friends."
me: "Oh? Why?"
smallest child: "Because you smell good."

~~

"...yes i really do want to know."

~~

Boy: "My mom likes superheros...well....Mostly just Thor and Captain America....so, really just the blonde avengers."

~~

Me: "How was your first day of school?"
Eldest child: "So, my music teacher was impressed that I knew the choral warm-ups
...and she was impressed you were my mom
...then all the boys were impressed that you're friends with the guy who makes the superheros fly in Marvel Universe Live
...I have the coolest mom. ever."

~~

"Did I mention it makes me happy when I see the little green light blinking on my phone that means someone sent me a message?"

~~

Me: "How was school?"
Smallest child: "Shiny."

~~

*watching Firefly together*
Smallest child: "what's a whore?"
Me:".........someone who gets paid for sex."
Smallest child: "okay. thanks."

saying goodbye

Today was horrid.

I woke up instinctively knowing it would be, but not really knowing why. Got the kids out the door and went back to bed, actively avoiding the day.

No, no one died.  

Today I started applying for jobs.

Real, non-theater jobs. Full time jobs.

Jobs in hospitals, banks, offices, and call centers.

Jobs other people would consider careers.

Not me.

Today I took the first steps towards letting go of my career to have a job.

Why?

Because “real” job + kids doesn't leave enough time for me to stage manage.

 and there isn't enough stage management work in my area to pay the bills.

period.

Today I let go of a career that fits me perfectly and truly brings me joy.

Don’t, please.

Don’t tell me it’s not letting go, it’s just putting it on hold

because right here, right now, it feels the same.

I’m walking away from something I love with all my heart.

Willingly walking away.

I spent a good part of the day crying.

All kinds of crying.

tears slowly tracing paths down my face

all out sobbing.  

Grieving the loss of a love.

Everything changes when I get a job.

And I have to be okay with that. 

Every decision I make for the next eight years won't be about me, it’ll be about them.

My three littles.

except they’re not so little anymore

more like half-grown humans.

My happiness takes second place to what’s best for them and that is going to continue to until they graduate high school.

  

I wanted them.

I love them.

This is as is should be.

I know this.

I want this.

I would chose nothing different.

Doesn't change the hurt.

Doesn't diminish the devastating sense of loss.

so. 

goodbye.

goodbye first rehearsals and closing performances

goodbye production meetings and late actors

goodbye quiet theatres and noisy dressing rooms

goodbye piano tech and final dress

goodbye standby 

and 

goodbye GO.

goodbye my love.

don't worry, I will not be miserable.
It’s not in my nature.

I will find my own little happinesses.

There are good things in my life right now.

There will be good things in the future.

There has to be.

See, I’ve noticed that my littles are happier when I’m happy.

They smile more when I smile more.

I've been smiling more recently.

So, I plan to be happy, as far as anyone can plan these things.

I’ll find some happiness somewhere in the daily drudge of routine and sameness.  

I don’t know what comes next.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I do know that today, given all the options I could see, this is the right choice.

It’s time to knock on all the doors and see which windows open.

There’s a tiny kernel of hope in my heart that I’ll magically find a job that works in such a way that it allows me to continue doing what I love.

A tiny kernel.

Teeny-tiny.

stupid irrational fear

I hate new.  

No, that’s not true.  New is generally fun.

Confused yet?

Anxiety. The completely irrational fear that is anxiety.

A recent example. 

A friend I went to high school with (and haven’t seen in  17 years) was stopping in Eugene for a bit and posted that he’d be happy to meet up for drinks with whomever in the area and had time.

 

Totally sounds like a good time, right?

I was looking forward to it…until mid-afternoon, when my subconscious realized that this was NEW, 

and my subconscious DOES NOT LIKE NEW.

My fight or flight response kicked in.  

My heart started racing and I couldn't think straight.

I cursed internally.    

So not my favorite thing to deal with.  I hate it. But, I know what to do.  

I sighed and began. 

(I used to have to physically stop and sit somewhere, now I can usually do it all internally, and continue whatever I was doing when my subconscious decided to be stupid.)

Here we go.

Step one: Break it down. What’s new?

New people.  I’ve not seen any of them in a long time. So, obviously, that counts as new. Not completely new, because I do actually know them.

New place.  I’ve not been to where we’re going. Dammit. So, google it. Great, now I know where it is.

Step Two:  Tell someone.  Don’t keep it bottled up.

Text sent.  Done.

Now, I am in control, not my subconscious.

My heart rate slows and my tremor is back down to barely noticeable. My tummy is still in a knot, but I can deal with that.

I promise myself french fries.

I still have an hour or so before I need to leave, so I continue cleaning and mentally keep the irrational fear trapped in a box in my head.

In the car, I listen to Sinatra on Pandora.  Lovely.  Some of my favorite music. 

All’s good. 

Until…

I realize I offered to pick him up.

Ah hell.  Kristin.  That was stupid.  So stupid.

You haven’t seen him in 17 years.  

What were you thinking?!? What if he’s turned into a serial killer rapist, or worse, a blathering idiot?

Luckily for me, he wasn't an idiot. Or a serial killer rapist.

One of the first things he said was, “You still have pink hair!”  which instantly made me smile and the anxiety shrank to almost nothing.

It came back though, once I was in the new place.  

But I outsmarted myself.

It’s a new place. It’s a new place. It’s...

Yes. BUT…

It’s not new to go to a new place.

I’ve done that before. 

Ha! Take that, you stupid irrational fear

Whiskey and fries and laughter.

Catching up with old friends, remembering why they were friends.

Take that, you stupid irrational fear.