Somewhere along the way I lost my muchness. I’m not sure
when or where it happened. Sometime in the last year, for sure. I forgot that muchness is important.
I forgot.
I forgot that my pay-the-bills job was never
intended to be a career. I never ever
wanted to be working there for decades. I never wanted to live inside corporate
America.
I forgot.
So intent on proving that I could make it on my own, I
forgot to look up. Too tired to see that
my yard was a mess and that I couldn’t remember the last meal I enjoyed making. My littles are growing up right in front of my eyes. I
swear, I blink and they’re older, wiser, taller. I don’t wanna miss anything else. I don’t
want to be too tired to live in the now and enjoy when they want to share space
with me and tell me all about everything.
I wish I could say I made the decision to make a change. I can't. Sometimes you need a push to drop you onto the right path.
I was pushed. Gently dropped
into a crossroads of choices and change.
So, I decided.
As soon as I made my decision, everything felt lighter. The crushing
weight was gone. Poof. Evaporated away.
My pay-the-bills job is back to being just that. Simply a pay-the-bills
job.
Not a career.
No jumping departments to advance.
Six different positions in
3 years was plenty. I’m finishing up the
training this week, then it’s back to being on the front line. I’m hopeful that within 6 months I’ll be in a
position to see if there’s any stage managing work in town for me.
Because THAT’S my career. That’s what I want to do for the rest of
forever. Stage managing.
I miss it. The people, the intense relationships that form
over a span of a couple of months, the overwhelming pride at watching a
production go from read-thru to closing night.
I do miss it. so much.
I recently went to see a production here in town. I’d worked with a couple of the actors
before, and it was great to see them perform again. I wish I was better about spending time with the people I enjoy. But, I digress. Walking out after the show, realizing exactly how much I miss
that world, there was a wistful sadness about it. I want to get back to being a part of that world. I will get back to being a part of that world.
In the last 4 weeks I’ve had multiple coworkers comment on
the change in my attitude, how much happier I seem. How even my choice of clothing has changed
and seems more Kristin-y.
I realized that I had been so concerned about how I
was being perceived by everyone that I couldn’t be myself.
I couldn’t laugh and
joke with everyone.
I felt like I couldn’t be friends with people I’ve worked
with and spent so much time with, for fear of what someone might think.
Now?
I don’t need to be a role model
for anyone other than my kids. I don't need to fit anyone else's idea of what I should be like. My job
isn’t dependent on the opinion of others.
We all know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, that I'm generally thought to be unapproachable and scary.
I no longer have to moderate my behavior to
make sure that everyone likes me.
I can
just be me. Sarcastic, awkward, bluntly honest, and quirky.
So, yeah. Work life has taken an unexpected turn. I’m happy
at work. I don’t dread the morning. Finances will be a bit tight for a bit, but
not forever.
What else? Hmm.
I got
to spend time with a few of my favorite people last month. They had helped me find my way thru some
terrible times in the past. It was beyond awesome to spend time with them now that I am truly content with myself and very much in a good place.
I hope they know how much I
appreciate them and how they carved a bit of time out for me.
Thank you, with all my heart. Thank you.
Oh!
I’m very much smitten with one of my dearest friends.
I’ve sat here staring at the cursor trying to
figure out how to sum up that part of my life, and I don’t think I can.
So, I’ll simply say that I am happy.
I’ve found my muchness, hidden in the quiet
smile and easy laughter of a brown-eyed boy I knew I’d fall hard for when we
were both much younger than we are now.
I
am ever so grateful that 20 years later, both of us a bit bruised, we found
ourselves where we are.
I will always be grateful that the sister-of-my-heart meddled, helping the stars to align, knowing it was time for us
to find each other again.
So, there's my update. I don't plan on losing my muchness again, changing into someone I hardly knew. I'm hanging on to my muchness, reveling in the bits that make me me.
